By Joe Moskwa
So while I was 7-9 for the week (at this point, I should start REVERSING my picks after I make them), including 2-3 on PREFERRED picks (I did NAIL that Lions game, didn’t I?), I was 1-0 on drinking predictions. (I’ll elaborate). The one thing I DID get right was predicting a round of yager-bombs on me as Adrian high-stepped into the end zone. I ordered a round for the whole bar, so the bartender chick tells me it’ll be a few to get that all ready, so about 10 minutes later they line them up all along the bar. Everyone has theirs in front of them, and JUST as we’re about to drink them, Peterson does that little video-game dance into the end zone. It was the highlight of the night.
Before I get to the picks, I will make one more attempt to save face. I’m going to leave most of the games un-picked, and pick a couple LOCKS (games I’d just about bet my old Priest Holmes jersey on) or PARLAY. The reason being? Most of these games mean NOTHING, and there’s no way to pinpoint what kind of motivation some of these clubs will have. I’d honestly let Edward Scissorhands give me a backrub before I watch a few of this week’s match-ups. Tip of the week: gamble on slot machines rather than football this Sunday if you have the itch.
Onto the picks…
MY PARLAY OF THE WEEK! (I would need to go 2-0 to win)
GAME 1:
Saturday Dallas Cowboys (12-2) at Carolina Panthers (6-8) – Black Cats getting 11.5
Thanks, Dallas. I talk about you guys making the Super Bowl and you score 6 points at home. I’m expecting you to bounce back now. The Panthers are playing for nothing, and Dallas is close to wrapping up a home game for the NFC title. I’m gonna take the ‘Boys in a blowout. Even though I don’t even know what STATE they’re playing in. PICK: Dallas giving all those points, –11.5
GAME 2:
Sunday Oakland Raiders (4-10) at Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4) – Black, blue and silver getting 14.5
They might be boring to watch, but DANG! 10-4 with the hardest schedule in the NFL? The Colts couldn’t smoke the Raiders, but the Jags will. The Jokeland Raiders should just stay home.
PICK: Jags giving even more points, –14.5
So that’s my parlay. Dallas and Jacksonville.
Now here are my “LOCKS†or I suppose my “PREFERREDâ€. These are the games that I feel confident that I’d finish with a winning record.
Kansas City Chiefs (4-10) at Detroit Lions (6-8) – Chefs getting 4.5
The Chiefs just look like they’re not even trying. It’s sad. I was hoping to check out Larry Johnson and/or Priest Holmes, but that ain’t happenin’ now. As for the Lions? Their slide is just as impressive. But not sad like the Chiefs. More like comical or typical. Too little too late for the Lions this Sunday, as they win by 7. PICK: MotorCity kitties giving the points –4.5
New York Jets (3-11) at Tennessee Titans (8-6) – Titans by 2.5
This one almost made it into the parlay. I haven’t a doubt in my head that Tennessee takes this one by at least a field goal.
PICK: Tennessee –2.5
Miami Dolphins (1-13) at New England Patriots (14-0) – Dolphins getting 22.5
Dear Dolphins: Why couldn’t you guys lose last week so we could get to watch your last two games of the season? You ruined it. Luckily, we’ll still tune in for this one just to watch you guys lose by about 40. I hope you’re content with your ONE win.
PICK: Pats giving an obscene amount of points, –22.5
A game to avoid:
Monday Night Football Denver Broncos (6-8) at San Diego Chargers (9-5) – Bolts by 8.5
The writing says to take the Chargers at home on Monday night, to run their record up to 10-5. Broncos have been VERY unimpressive. Chargers are HOT. However, it’d be just like Coach Shanahan to pull some 7th-string RB out of his hat and somehow win the upset. So, no thanks. (TIP: avoid the Broncos when betting or playing fantasy, NO EXCEPTIONS).
I’ll wrap this up with a Christmas touch. Here are the 10 teams that I would send a bag of coal to, if I were the NFL’s Santa Claus.
Carolina Panthers. I don’t know who your quarterback is. I couldn’t name your running back. You have ONE wide receiver. I still have no clue what state you guys play in. Plus, the inconsistency reeks. Coal for you.
New Orleans Saints. You’re up and down every week. You give us nothing to rely on, no predictability. You lose to the 0-8 Rams, knocking me out of a suicide pools. And to top it off, the Brees-Colston combo makes it to the Fantasy Championship in both of my leagues, leaving me in the dust. Coal for you.
Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49ers. So the bay area gets TWO teams, and they combine for a total of eight wins. What, ONE of you can’t have a decent season? The Joe Montana free-pass is gonna last a WHILE for the Niners, and as for the Raiders, well actually their fans – Guys, those costumes you wear… get a LIFE!! Coal for you.
Cincinnati Bengals. Way to mail it in about a month ago, guys. Carson, Chad, Rudi, and Hoosh = 10-20 points a game? Your grade: F. Coal for you.
Chicago Bears. Congratulations! You’re about 8 months away from starting a NON-sucking season. (Assuming you’ll follow the Suck-win-suck-win trend you’ve been setting). You guys were in the Super Bowl last year, and this is what you bring? C’mon. Coal.
Miami Dolphins. I can’t believe you guys blew the perfect season. You were SO close. I was looking forward to the Bengals-Dolphins game next week. Coal for you.
Baltimore Ravens. Uh oh! Solid defense + subpar offense = winning team. Subpar offense + a dwindling aging defense = the mess we’ve been treated to this year. That defense you carried for all these years gave your offense SO much time to improve, and it’s still right where it was five years ago. Not good guys. Not good at all. Coal for you.
Denver Broncos. I still… haven’t… figured out… what you guys are doing. Ever. I just don’t get it. Always overrated, yet annoyingly unpredictable. Coal for you. Detroit Lions. Well it’s not like they SURPRISED anyone with their skid. Well, knowing Lions fans, they’re all probably sitting around complaining like they really WERE shocked. I’ll spare the Lions the coal this year, and just give it to their fans instead. Why? Because they’re the ones I’ll have to listen to at all the upcoming holiday parties. They seriously sound like it’s some kind of breaking news that they “need to change this†or “need to trade this guy†or “need to fire Millenâ€. It doesn’t matter. It is what it is, like the sky being blue. Coal to the Lions fans because you sound like morons while I’m just trying to zone-out on the couch.