Jeffrey Petts
Do you play recreational sports? Softball, hockey, flag football? Maybe curling or racketball is your game of choice. Regardless of the sport, you’re probably familiar with “that guyâ€. He’s on every team. He’s your linemate, your first baseman and the guy you throw back a few beers with at the bar after the game. Though he permeates every aspect of team sports, we secretly hate “that guyâ€. Here are ten examples of just some of the guys we hate.
Coach shorts guy – Do you remember your old high school gym coach? Are those horrible too-tight shorts burned into your memory? Well those awful garments live on to this day. That guy loves squeezing into them. He believes they are “slimmingâ€. They also have the added benefit of pockets so everyone can see the tin of chew pressed against his buttock.
$200 hockey stick guy – If you’re an NHL-caliber player, I’m sure spending triple-digit dollars on a hockey stick is a sound business investment. When you’re a beer league hockey player, it’s a recipe for disappointment. For those of you that don’t play the sport, hockey sticks break. In the NHL, players run through sticks like a diner serving overcooked pot roast goes through toothpicks. When Joe NHL breaks a stick, the hockey stick producer gives him a dozen more. When Bob the beer league guy busts his timber, he’s out a couple of Ben Franklins.
$450 softball bat guy – An even bigger tool is the softball player that drops a ton of money on one of those super does-all-the-work-for-you softball bats. No, you can’t use it and don’t even think about touching his precious wand in the dugout. As a matter of fact, don’t even look at it except to admire it. Then watch him waddle up to the plate and take a couple cuts at an underhanded ball gently arcing at a speed barely fast enough to keep it airborne. Try not to snicker when Mr. Big Bat pops a harmless fly to right field.
Skip the bar guy – He’s a teammate to the core. He plays hard, in a scrap, he’s got your back, he doesn’t miss a game and he always gives his best. And when you want to buy him a beer after the game… he’s nowhere to be found. Nobody can go for post-game beverages every week, but this guy has never gone with the team to the bar. It’s almost like you’re good enough for him to play with, but share a couple beers? No thanks.
Hothead guy – Every team has this guy. He’s the one that gets slightly fouled or bumped the wrong way and flies off the handle. It’s as if the most minor slight were a challenge to his manhood. This guy’s “competitive edge†is so sharp that his teammates constantly worry when the game gets tight. “It’s close, but I think we’ll pull it out as long as Bob doesn’t lose his head and get us penalized.†And when this guy eventually gets tossed and the team loses, he blames the officiating rather than his lack of control.
Flashy finesse guy – A close cousin of the hothead, flashy finesse guy is the little wiry 140-lb dude on the basketball court that drives the lane, or the young hockey player that weaves dangerously through defensemen in non-checking leagues. They leave themselves exposed to physical peril as they glide through traffic and embarrass slower, less agile opponents. In hockey, these guys are treated to vicious crosschecks and slashing. In basketball, flashy finesse guy is neutralized by the hard foul. “Why did you hit me?†they say. Because you deserved it for being disrespectful. Show-up people that can hurt you and they will. I’ll take two minutes in the penalty box and you can have that bruise as a reminder for the next two weeks.
Too old to play SS guy – He’s probably the saddest of this lot. He played shortstop in high school and wasn’t bad. His arm was accurate though underpowered. He always played the toughest position with heart. What he couldn’t do with talent, he got by on moxie and raw effort. Then his knees started to go and he became more of a pylon than a roving fielder. When his shoulder began having problems, his throws became wildly erratic. Once opposing teams figured out TOTPS guy was the weak link on the infield, the losses started to mount. Unfortunately, everyone on the team knows it but this guy. When a new season starts, this guy organizes the roster and plugs himself back in at short. Denial is an ugly thing.
Ten cent mind guy – He’s the tallest, most athletic guy on the team. He’s handsome and always has a hot chick on his arm. He can run faster, longer, jump higher and throw a ball harder than you. He’s the perfect athlete in everyway but one – he’s dumb as a box of rocks. This guy gets the deer-in-the-headlights look when facing a new blitz package. Backdoor slider? Never saw it coming. Triangle offense and zone defense? Can’t grasp ‘em at all. He is irony personified; the million dollar body with the ten cent mind.
I just play for fun guy – He’s the antithesis of the clichéd ultra-competitive guy. When push comes to shove, he’s just happy to be there. Whether you won a hard-fought championship or went down in heartbreaking defeat, this guy is equilibrium epitomized. He’ll sit in the locker room with the same stupid grin plastered on his face when the team is celebrating or ready to burn officials in effigy. He’s a great guy otherwise, but when emotions are running high, you want to punch him in the face for not caring enough.
#69 guy – This guy is the worst offender on the list. When the team purchases jerseys, this guy fights to have “his numberâ€. In softball, he’s the guy sporting the cutoff jersey and the beer gut. He sweats too much and does too little. In basketball, he’s the short forward with no inside game, or the dreadful guard without a lick of ball-handling skills or shooting prowess. His lack of skill translates to the hockey rink as this guy is best suited for checking – especially in non-checking leagues. An inevitable result of wearing #69 is leading the league in penalty minutes. The one thing all 69s have in common is their unnatural ability to consume massive amounts of watered-down beer and the silly grin they have whenever they put on their teenage joke jersey.
Have any more sports guys to hate? Send them my way at: jeff@canon-fodder.com and maybe we’ll use them when we update our list.
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