By Joe Moskwa
We’re kind of at a down time right now, but not for long! The NBA and NHL playoffs will be here before we know it, and spring training baseball games are already being played. In the meantime, I’ll keep it light, short, and sweet. How about a list?
15 Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say:
“Six a.m.? Sure, I’ll be up by then.”
“Milk? Uhh, do you have any ‘Silk’ instead?”
“I can’t, I gave that up for Lent.”
“My favorite opera? But there are so many to choose from.”
“I tried the Atkins for a while but I think I’m more of a South Beach kind of guy.”
“Just donate it all to charity”
“No, I’m the designated driver”
“So last night I was watching Idol…”
“Yes, I’m here for the volunteer program”
“It’s just horrible what they do to the cows and the pigs. Because of that, I’m not going to eat anything with a face ever again.”
“This is such a beautiful wedding. Did you see the flowers? And the place settings! Did you hear how he proposed?”
“Just highlight the ends… And can you touch up my eyebrows?”
“What’s cool about Sweetest Day is that now you don’t have to wait a whole year for Valentines.”
“I’ll have a moca caffe caramel cappuccino latte… Extra whipped cream”
“Brittney Spears and Michael Jackson are just misunderstood, you probably just need to get to know them”
And since this IS a sports site, a handful more…
Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say At a Sporting Event:
“No, because if I drink before we get into the park I’ll have to hit the john in the first inning.”
“It’s too cold out here.”
“What am I supposed to eat? All they have is pizza, greasy meats, and nachos.”
“I’m not sure the cheerleaders should be wearing that.”
“Beer sales stop after halftime? Thank god. It’s getting a little out of hand here.”
I actually have about 200 of these written down. Beware, more will come. Next week I may comment on the new greatest video game ever made. I actually found something that may top Nintendo’s original Tecmo Super Bowl. It’s an X-Box game that I instantly became addicted to and actually got me to tell my wife to go back upstairs because we “aren’t leaving yet”.
What game is it? You’ll have to wait and see.
Are you enjoying Joe’s ramblings on Canon Fodder? Check back in every Friday for more articles from Joe, and throughout the week for other featured writers. While you’re at it, encourage friends, coworkers, family, that hot little bank teller you go out of your way to see on payday, complete strangers… basically pass on Canon Fodder on to anyone you really want to impress. We make you seem more sophisticated.
Well, sort of.