Canon Fodder – Sports Blog

By Joe Moskwa

I might have ONE more set in me after you read this list. Yes, I’m still talking about ways to drive your office co-workers into the crazy house. You won’t believe that I’ve done them all, but I have. Enjoy.

Red Dot O’ Fun: Don’t ever start your day at the office without your laser pointer. You know, the one that looks like a little pen. Point and put that little red dot on your boss’s forehead while he’s giving a meeting. The red dot also looks really nice on a female co-worker’s nipple, but looks the greatest on someone’s chin while they’re talking.

Pocket Surprises: Go over to the coat-rack and stuff all the pockets with random office items. Staplers, pens, coffee mugs, markers, Post-it notes… it all works. Heck, one time I was out with friends at a Chinese buffet and dropped a few crawfish heads in a buddy’s coat pocket. Much fun ensued.

Coffee-Mate I: Invest in one of those little plastic squeezable lemons filled with lemon juice. Shoot it into your co-workers’ coffee cups when they’re not looking. “Lemon” coffee does not taste good. Keep the lemon in your desk. Use it often – it can also be squirted on someone’s sandwich or chips. Trust me, a salami-lemon sandwich causes many an entertaining face.

Coffee-Mate II: Replace the sugar for the coffee with salt. Salty coffee tastes worse that lemony coffee. Watch to see if anyone spits their coffee directly onto their keyboard.

Bouquet of Badness: Three words for you: DOLLAR STORE COLOGNE. It’s cheap, it’s available, and it STINKS. Spray it around the office. It sticks to carpet and chairs like glue. Spray it on the coats on the coat-rack. Spray it all over Stan’s desk. Folks will cringe, but it won’t bother you because, much like passing gas, it doesn’t stink that bad if you did it.

E-mail Masquerade: Send e-mails from your co-workers’ desks, to other workers. Wait around until it’s clear… lunchtime when half the place is cleared out, or when all the idiots are smoking. My favorite one to send from Person A to Person B is “Hey, do you think I can borrow 50 bucks until next week?” The greatest reward you’ll get from this is when Person B comes strolling up and drops the cash off for Person A.

Post-it Replies: If there are notes on the vending machines that say things like, “This machine owes Jill Smith one dollar”, take the time to answer them. My favorite note is “That dollar was your tax for eating all the donuts Jill”. Or… “We’re just charging for over-eaters”. If you think this might upset some people, you’re right.

You’ve Got a Visitor: Go to the lobby and quickly call as many people in your office with the lobby phone using a disguised voice. Tell each of them that they have a visitor. My record is calling 12 people in about 30 seconds. Be sure to clear out before people start showing up. I might’ve been drunk the day I did this.

Secret Love: Write a love letter to someone in the office from another worker of the same sex. Drop it in an envelope, seal it, and put it on the receiver’s desk. Better yet, write it from someone else’s computer and leave it on the community printer, then watch the rumors fly.

The Poke Stick: Tape one of those knife-looking letter openers to a yardstick. It’ll look like a bayonet. Poke people with it while they’re on the phone. I must admit, I found my bayonet cracked into about 4 pieces on my desk a couple years ago. I supposed I deserved that.

Working Vacation: When a co-worker is on vacation, and you have their home phone number, change some of the heavier-used speed dials of other workers to the home number of the vacationer. It’ll give them a “still at work” feel so they don’t get lonely.

Micro-Yogurt: Microwave one of the unopened yogurt cups in the fridge. When the top busts open, document how long it took to do that. 25 seconds to break it open. Then, microwave the rest of the yogurt cups for about 20 seconds (just short of explosion). Take them out. They look like nothing happened to them. Put them back in the fridge. They’ll taste GREAT when someone eats them at lunch.

E-mail me at joe@canon-fodder.com if you try any of these. I’d love to hear how they worked for you.

I really do have plenty more office pranks for future articles. It’s kind of scary, if you think about it. Maybe I’ll treat you to some more of my demented office behavior next week. Maybe I’ll try and write something about sports. You never know.

Keep checking in on Canon Fodder. We’ve always got something cooking and it’s anything but yogurt.

Take care.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 4th, 2008 at 1:41 pm and is filed under Canon Fodder, Joe Moskwa. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.