As many of you already know, I’m a father of a nineteen-month old daughter. When I look around, I notice all the ways in which the world is different from my days of youth. Roller skates begat rollerblades and left us with Heelys. Kids are so safety conscious that helmets have become standard issue with bicycles. (When I was a child, helmets were intended for “special†kids that needed additional protection from life’s bumps and bruises. Now all children are considered “specialâ€.) When did something as mundane as riding a bicycle require a child to be armored like a swat team member? Throw in all the “feel good because everybody gets to play” t-ball and Pop Warner leagues and a parent can’t help but worry we’re raising a generation of soft-headed, non-competitive children.
Then a reader sent me a link to the Apocalypse. According to previously established Canon Fodder rules, I won’t consider it a sport. Honestly, I was speechless the first time I witnessed it.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=xNG3sgk02Lc[/youtube]
I’m not even sure where to begin. Do I mock the raw excitement of the nerdy kids witnessing the “world record� Maybe I should point out how the boy with the two-toned hair and the oversized shorts was left hanging when he went looking for a high-five from the girl? (Get used to it kid. Girls are going to be turning their collective back on you for years to come.)
I guess you have to begin with a question; “What the heck did I just witness?†Welcome to the world of competitive sport stacking. Seriously. Sport stacking. They even have an association. The “sport†(we’ll use the term loosely) was originally called “cup stacking†but in an attempt to make rational people believe this was an actual sport, the name was changed to sport stacking.
So what’s the object of the game?
Stacking cups.
And the twist is?
You have to stack them really fast.
That’s it. There’s not much more to it. Sure, there are different amounts of cups to “upstack†and “downstack†but we’re talking about stacking cups. This is a sport specifically designed with today’s ADHD-riddled children in mind. What better way is there for a kid with a nervous twitch and excellent spatial relations to burn off some excess energy? Just a few years on the WSSA circuit can prep your child with the necessary skills to tackle their next career in street dealing Three Card Monte or stacking shelves at the local Kroger.
Please don’t get the wrong idea about where I’m coming from with this. I’m not against games that can be dominated by pre-teen girls and hyperactive boys; it’s the fact we as a society have become so fuzzy warm as to reward everyone for doing the absolutely mundane. Don’t think so? Watch the video again and notice how all three boys in the video are wearing medals. If you look even closer, you’ll notice a bevy of three-foot trophies in the middle of the (nearly empty) gym. Is it really necessary to reward everyone that shows up? We’re talking about stacking and unstacking cups. It should be okay to tell a kid, “Susie does it better than you. She’s got the inside track on being a barmaid while you’ll need to go to college and actually do something meaningful.†Instead we tell the child, “Susie does it better, but you’re pretty good too. Here’s a trophy nearly as tall as you. And a hug. We’re all winners.†Then everyone puts on a helmet and scurries away on their roller shoes.
And I’m not saying this to be mean, but if a five-year old can do this, I’m not really impressed.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=PQTS8wMnOpM[/youtube]
One more video that made me chuckle a bit. These two guys are doing some sort of cup stacking doubles bit. I’ll admit I don’t quite understand it but you know they had to practice.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=1Em36g-vlOY[/youtube]
Three things that killed me about this video: First, they choreographed their moves to look at each other, drink, and then stack. Secondly, why pretend to drink from the clear plastic cups? If it were a college drinking game, I might give it some credence. Lastly, the guy on the right looks just like the host of this website and cup stacking is just the kind of “sport†of which he would dream to become master. For that reason alone I’ll be passing this link along to all our friends.
The one thing I won’t be doing is buying my daughter a bag of plastic Solo cups. If my little girl is determined to play a non-sport, I’ll buy her a set of golf clubs and go Earl Woods on her. A life on the links beats the heck out of stacking cans on supermarket shelves.
Like what you’ve been reading? Well you haven’t been told me. Try dropping an e-mail to jeff@canon-fodder.com. Readers actually inspire these posts so give me a subject and I’ll twist it to my device.
The reason it is not a college drinking game is because no one doing it is old enough for high school. yet. The game is that new.