By Joe Moskwa, resident degenerate
It’s Week 10 already. Where does the time go? It seems like the preseason lasts a year while I’m DYYYING for Week 1 to get here, and now it’s Week 10. Only eight more Monday Night Footballs. Only seven more weeks of fantasy football. Well, only four more weeks for those of you that drafted Shaun Alexander, Rudi Johnson, Steven Jackson, and Matt Leinart. It’s also crunch-time for me in regards to making my picks for this week. I blew it on my first try on Canon Fodder going 6-8 ATS. Dallas and Pittsburgh kept it respectable with blowouts in the last couple games. And for the record, I will never make excuses for a bad week. I’ll admit when I was wrong. Week 9? **wincing** I was off.
Before I get to the picks, let’s cover a couple things. Some of you may be wondering why I’m making these picks. It’s not to help people gamble. It’s because every sports site and blog has the guy that makes picks. You know, I’ve always wanted to be a baseball player. That didn’t work out. Then I wanted to be the vice president of a large corporation. The dream lasted all of five glorious minutes. But what I’ve REALLY wanted is to be THE GUY making the picks on a website! And now it’s here and I’m barely keeping up with the groupies and fame that comes with such a title. I’m neck and neck with Mick Jagger this week – well, a story for another time. Before the picks, here are a couple of questions you may have asked yourself.
Where do the spreads come from? The spreads are courtesy of Bodog. This hyperlink will take you to what is, in my opinion, the best gambler’s website out there. Easiest to use and understand, bank and credit card-friendly, with a wide range of sports and games to choose from. Umm, or, so I’ve heard. Let’s move on.
How do you know your record ATS this year when Week 9 was your first week on Canon Fodder? It’s because I’m one of a group of fans that make picks against each other on a weekly basis and so far my record for the year is 74-56. Some would call this a POOL. But let’s just say it’s just for fun and there’s no money exchanged. There are over 100 of us picking weekly, and I’ve finished the majority of the last several years within the top 3 to the top 15. Not bad.
Okay, onto the picks. Week 10. Redemption week!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Jacksonville Jaguars (5-3) at Tennessee Titans (6-2) – Tennessee by 4
The Flaming Thumbtacks host the Boredomville Jaguars this week. Flaming Thumbtacks you say? Look at the Titans logo. It’s a tack. It’s on fire. I didn’t know tacks were flammable. Anyway, I’m sure Jeff Fisher loves the fact you hear NOTHING about his very solid 6-2 football team because of all the hype surrounding the Pats and Colts. I’m also sure he’s going to love beating the Jags by 7 this week. Borat says we should showcase this game on my big TV this Sunday. NOT! Sorry Jags, I will never watch you.
Pick: Tennessee -4
Denver Broncos (3-5) at Kansas City Chiefs (4-4) – Chefs giving 3
All I asked for last week was Tony Gonzalez to do a Lambeau Leap into the stands instead of dunking the football. So what does he do? He dunks the football. Wow Tony, how original. Think up that one all by yourself? What bag of tricks do you have for us this week? Lemme guess; you’re gonna dunk the football OVER the goalpost like it’s a basketball. Good one. Perhaps Priest will find the end zone. Perhaps I’ll pick some winners this week. Perhaps the Chiefs will win the AFC West? They take a big step here by beating the Broncos by 6. Oh, I didn’t mention anything about the boys from a mile high? That’s intentional because what’s the point?
Pick: Chiefs -3
Editor’s note: This is the second consecutive week I’ve slipped in “Chefs†rather than “Chiefsâ€. While this is really just a sly reference to the old Snickers commercial – “Great Googly Moogly†– I’m now up for a real world job as a writer/editor and intend to use Canon Fodder as my résumé. My worst fear is this obscure reference being mistaken for a glaring typo leaving me unemployed and my family hungry. So if you’re my soon-to-be new boss and you’re reading this aside and wondering why I would take this much time to cover my professional backside, it’s because I just couldn’t risk my entire future on whether you’re a television junkie with a penchant for remembering candy bar commercials. So here’s the reason why I so rudely interrupted Joe’s bid to satiate the gambling addicts and hijacked the article. **exhale**
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=hSAXLayoMKI[/youtube]
Buffalo Bills (4-4) at Miami Dolphins (0-8) – Ocean mammals getting 3
J.P. Losman is back. I like it. I hope the Bills realize how big this game is and they don’t get trapped. They’re hosting the Pats next week. They’re on a winning streak and have a chance to go over the .500 mark. Take care of business guys. Quick! Name any FIVE Miami Dolphins! **crickets chirping in the background, awkward silence, a tumbleweed rolls by** Bills by 7-10.
Pick: Buffalo -3
St. Louis Rams (0-8) at New Orleans Saints (4-4) – Katrina orphans by 12
Dear Rams,
You guys have had a rough first half so take a BYE on Week 9 and when you get back, we’ll start you off with… sending you down to Cajuntown to play arguably the hottest non-chowder-eating offense in the NFL. Touchdown Bush. Touchdown Colston. Touchdown Bush. Et cetera.
Sincerely,
Everything that’s unfair in the football universe
There’s gonna be some scoring here and I’m looking forward to having Torri Holt back in my fantasy lineup. The Rams will be passing all day playing catch-up. The Saints will score at least 35. Maybe more. Rams? I’d say about 28. Saints may only take it by 10.
Pick: St. Louis +12
Cleveland Browns (5-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – Iron City drinkers by 10
I’ve got that SHOWCASE GAME feeling here. This will surely be one of the games I’m tuning in to watch. I’m enjoying the Browns this year. I also love watching the Steel Curtain defense. THIS is the game that will tell all about the Browns. Which story will unfold? Will it be a good story about the upstart Browns? Only time will tell. Or Joe will tell? Yes, he will. Steelers are too tough. This is a mismatch. Towel-wavers by a pair of touchdowns.
Pick: Pittsburgh -10
Atlanta Falcons (2-6) at Carolina Panthers (4-4) – Black cats giving 4
Oh boy. Please don’t make me talk about this game. The Falcons should just put all 11 defenders on Steve Smith. On the flip side, what should Carolina do to stop Atlanta’s All-Star offensive weapon? How about you guys let me know who that is and get back to me? I’ll be over here picking the other games while you’re thinking. Oh, I almost forgot; the most OVERRATED fantasy football player ever? Alge Crumpler.
Pick: Carolina -4
Philadelphia Eagles (3-5) at Washington Redskins (5-3) – Racial slurs by 3
I still haven’t figured out the ‘Skins this year. I’m starting to see a little life left in Philly though. And no, those weren’t Andy Reids’ kids with me at the bar on Monday. Anyway, the Eagles are gonna take this game outright or lose by 3 in overtime. You just don’t know which team is going to show. I’m not sure why Bodog has so many spreads without the half-points on them this week so I’m feeling some pushes coming on. This may be one of those games. I’m taking the Eagles though.
Pick: Philadelphia +3
Minnesota Vikings (3-5) at Green Bay Packers (7-1) – Cheeseheads by 6
I mentioned a couple of rules last week. I’m going to talk about another rule today. You see, when you’re picking or betting or whatever you call it, a lot of times there are trends to follow, a history to some of this stuff. Things besides your brain you can use to make picks. On a side note, I can give private lessons on how to function a whole day without using your brain. I remember a whole weekend once where I used my brain as a doorstop. Last Friday I couldn’t even remember where I put it the night before so I didn’t even find it until mid-afternoon. When it comes to picking games, I tend to leave my brain off to the side when the PACK is playing at HOME. Got that? Packers at Lambeau equals pick Green Bay. Every time. Do they win every time? Nope. Enough to where you should wager as if they do? Yep.
Pick: Take the Packers and give the half-dozen.
Cincinnati Bengals (2-6) at Baltimore Ravens (4-4) – Poe boys giving 4
Hey Ravens. Bang-up job on Monday night. I thought you guys were supposed to have a defense. Ben the Burger got fat at your expense. See what happens when you wear a helmet Benny? Touchdowns by the quintet. And Cincy… draft some defense next year. All defense. PLEASE. As for THIS game? Should I start Carson Palmer? Will he match Big Ben and toss five TDs? Or will those be INTs? I think INTs. Maybe a couple TDs if I’m lucky. Baltimore by 3. Something like 23-20.
Pick: Cincinnati +4
Detroit Lions (6-2) at Arizona Cardinals (3-5) – Vegas calls it a ‘pick’
The last time the Lions were 6-2 was in 1999. The sixth win was a thrilling victory over the eventual Super Bowl champions, the St. Louis Rams. How did they follow up their the victory? A road game at Arizona against a VERY average batch of redbirds. Following their disappointing history, the Lions lost en route to a 2-6 slide in the second half of the season. But these are the NEW Lions. They are. I’m saying it. It’s just what I see. This game? It’s interesting to watch on TV when the Lions go out there because you see TONS of Detroit jerseys in the stands. Those are all the people that moved from the D to Phoenix. I have a buddy that did the same thing. I bet he’s reading this. (He should be. He’s Canon Fodder’s benefactor.) Unfortunately, he’s also one of those REAL Lion fans. He thinks they’re going to win the Super Bowl every year just like every other glutton-for-punishment diehard Lions fan. He’s the epitome. It’s pathetic really. He was over a few years ago on one of my big football days with the Lions on the main TV (I was focused on a completely different – more entertaining – game) and the Lions had the contest in their hands. It was all but over. They were up by more than a figgie with less than a minute to go. I think it was Culpepper under center for the Minnesota. I kept telling them it was over, the Vikes were gonna score, they’re gonna score, stop celebrating. Did he listen? Friends, they NEVER listen. Touchdown. Ballgame. G’nite. TOLD YA. One of my remote controls came flying and hit me in the back. Yeah, he actually THREW the remote at me like it was MY fault. Like I’m the one allowing the drive to happen. Folks, it was the Lions. That’s what they do. The Lions are like the drunken uncle you have that spends half the year in jail and the other half coming to Thanksgiving and other family holidays, puking on the carpet and passing out on the lawn. But a year later, you think Uncle Frank is gonna stay out of jail and show up to dinner sober, carve the turkey, hug everyone and leave after a fun game of Pictionary and dessert. But he’s back in-and-out of jail and for Christmas Eve dinner he pees in the laundry hamper and collapses in the hallway. And you’re actually SURPRISED and DISSAPOINTED he did it again. Why? Because you’re a LIONS FAN. That’s YOU, my friend. But this is your lucky year. You will be smiling on Sunday when the Lions win by 4. They’re the new Lions. It’s just what I see.
Pick: LIONS.
Chicago Bears (3-5) at Oakland Raiders (2-6) – Teddies by 3.5
C’mon Raiders. I talk you up, pick you to beat the Texans, and you blow it. I hope Devin Hester goes Tecmo on you guys and scores four Touchdowns. One punt return, one kick return, one interception return and one reception for six. But I’ll have to hear about it later because there ain’t no way I’m watching this game. But it IS about time Justin Fargas got a shot to be THE MAN. He deserved a shot at Michigan, got a little time at USC, and now the Raiders are FINALLY going to give him some carries. GOOD! Still, Bears by 7
Pick: Chicago –3.5
Dallas Cowboys (7-1) at New York Giants (6-2) – Kennedy assassins giving 2.5
Here it is Eli. You got a late-afternoon stage with the favorite to take the NFC title. You’re a home DOG. Biggest game of the year. Sure you don’t call every play at the line and have a Super Bowl ring, but this is where it all starts for you. Take it to the ‘Boys this weekend and earn yourself your OWN commercial. Romo gets sacked at least three times as the Giants win a thriller. I’d like to see overtime. Giants by 3.
Pick: New York +2.5
Sunday Nightcap
Indianapolis Colts (7-1) at San Diego Chargers (4-4) – Bolts getting 4
Yes, Peyton had a tough day last week, but he’s still THE MAN. Who else walks up to the line without a huddle, yells out 472 signals and gets a first down? Every time. And he even doles out advice. I was talking to him the other day and complaining about my beer gut. He told me that even though I WANTED rock-hard abs, it probably wasn’t going to happen because I’m not 23 or a Pro Football Player. He said to buy bigger shirts. It made sense. And as for the Chargers… Norv Turner –Marty Shottenheimer is your daddy because you make him (and his playoff failures) look good. Dude, you’ve got the SAME TEAM that went 14-2 last year and now you’re treading water at 4-4? Nice work, man. And now you can star on that show MY TWO DADS because Peyton will be your daddy as well on Sunday. Oh, P.S…. thanks for making the first time I drafted LT the year he’s no longer a difference maker. Any chance you can get the most talented running back in the league into the end zone a couple times this week? I mean, I know you’ve only spent your whole life as an offensive coordinator, so I should cut you some slack. Indy by 3.
Pick: San Diego +4
Monday Night
San Francisco 49ers (2-6) at Seattle Seahawks (4-4) – Techie geeks by 10
Did you guys see the look on Holmgren’s face last week when the ‘Hawks didn’t convert that fourth-and-one in overtime? No, you didn’t because the Indy-Pats game was on. But, of course, I had multiple TVs going and I’ve never seen a look like that before. His head looked like a tomato about to explode in a microwave. And what was I thinking at that exact moment? I sure feel bad for whatever team has to play the Seahawks next week. Seattle 31, Niners 17. Odds that I fall asleep in the bar during this game: 2-to-1. Is Shaun Alexander still in the NFL?
Pick: Seattle –10
Back next Friday. Out.