Canon Fodder – Sports Blog

Here’s one for the ladies dreading Opening Day.

This week we’ve delivered the good (the “Under-the-Radar Team”), the bad (the “All-Cooked Team”) and the ugly (MLB haikus). Today we’re going to take a little time to offer something up for the ladies. Too often women stare at the pending baseball season like an oncoming train and they’re tied to the track. There’s no reason Opening Day has to be a downer for those of the female persuasion. With a little help from Canon Fodder’s “Ladies’ Baseball Primer”, women everywhere can know exactly what to say and do to better appreciate the baseball experience.

Attire – It’s not often we’ll ever to look at you and say, “Are you planning on wearing that?” Whether you’re heading down to the ballpark, sipping suds in your favorite watering hole or nestled on the couch in your living room, there are right and wrong outfits for the setting. Would you wear a tube top to a wedding anywhere other than in Kentucky? Of course not. And for that reason high heels have no place at the ballpark.

Don’t get me wrong. We all love to see you ladies looking your best, but taking in a game is about being awash in a comfortable and relaxed atmosphere. Leave the too-tight-to-breathe jeans at home. A nice pair of shorts will be fine. A revealing tank top will draw plenty of attention, but so will a frumpy authentic baseball jersey. (Don’t believe me? You know that look some women pull off when they prance around in their man’s button down shirt and not much else? Yeah, it works with his baseball jersey too.)

Another tip; dress for the weather. It’s always ten degrees hotter or colder than you anticipate. A breezy, seventy-degree evening will feel like sixty. Bring a sweatshirt. Clear skies and seventy on a Sunday afternoon? Be prepared to sweat in the unblinking sun for a few uninterrupted hours. If you’re not dressed properly – and I assure you every lovely lady out there does this – you’ll become the biggest wet blanket and a constant downer. We know you can’t help yourselves but we’ll hate you anyway.

A final note regarding attire; baseball caps on a woman can be very sexy. We can’t explain it but a gal in a baseball cap just says “fun”. Bonus points for pulling a ponytail through the back of an adjustable cap. However, a point can be deducted if you opt to don a team hat in a color other than that of the team. Those pink baseball caps look cute to you but we men aren’t impressed. You end up looking like some trying to look like a fan rather than actually being a fan.

Respect Traditions – If your beau parks in a certain lot that’s two blocks further than you want to walk, be patient. It’s likely what he always does because, “We’ve never lost as long as I’ve parked here.” Just accept it and enjoy the exercise. Guys are creatures of habit and you need to be understanding. It might be insanity to you but this is dedication in a fan’s eyes. He’s doing everything he can to help the team win.

This same feeling can be applied to a favorite dive bar. “Why do I keep coming to this hole-in-the-wall? Because this is where I saw our guys win the championship back in ninety-six.” Again, there’s not a whole lot of sanity at work here.

In the home environment it might be something like the ‘lucky’ t-shirt. Yes, it’s seen better days. The color is fading. The logo is a mere shadow of itself. A seam has given way in the armpit. The neck is a bit overstretched. But this is the lucky shirt. Instead of wincing whenever it appears, say something constructive like, “I really like you in that shirt.” This works because we like being in our lucky shirt. Yes, it’s a boldfaced lie but we do the same for you every time you put on that one dress you know doesn’t fit like it used to.

Food – Again, we’re looking for comfort. Simplicity. A degree of casualness. A hot dog (or a bratwurst if you’re a snob). A pretzel. Nachos if you’re feeling sophisticated. Though the fare at the modern ballpark has evolved to reflect changing American (and international) tastes, the last thing we want to hear is you angling for sushi from the specialty stand on the other side of the park. It’s far away, it’s busy and the heart of the lineup is coming to the plate in the bottom of the inning. Between the trek and the cuing, two or three innings could be lost in the quest for uncooked seafood. Baseball is about basking in wide-open spaces, not herded like chattel for a few scraps of raw meat. While in the ballpark, food nirvana is found in the steaming boxes of the roaming vendor. (And before you ask, no, they don’t have ketchup. Mustard is your one and only option.)

When in the bar, the rules are more lax but there are still guidelines. To paraphrase a long-gone sitcom, “If it’s green, it’s trouble. If it’s fried, get double.” Real bars don’t serve salads.

Drinks – Beer. Pure and simple. A nice American pale lager. Yes, the draft beer is watered down. They also serve it in a plastic bottle or they’ll pour it into a cup from an oversized can. If you’re too good for our tasteless American brands, opt for an import. We know you saw the flavored margarita stand next to the sushi stand. We can see you eyeing all the folks walking around with those narrow two-foot plastic cups with the long straws and fruity concoctions, but as with the sushi, the price is just too high for an alcoholic Slurpee. Besides, beer is about the only thing that can kill the taste of a Ball Park hog dog (the lowest form of tube steak on the hot dog evolutionary scale).

Again, when in a bar, the rules for drinks are a bit more relaxed. Just stay away from the foo-foo drinks. You’re watching baseball, not out for an evening with your drunken girlfriends.

What to Say – One of the hardest things for a baseball newbie is get involved in the conversation. Between baseball’s rich history stretching back more than 100 years (meaning a majority players were retired before you were even born) and the confusing lexicon of the game, it can be quite intimidating to engage a baseball fan in a dialogue. Fortunately, baseball is probably the easiest of the major sports to learn and understand.

The best way to go about learning the game is to ask questions. One of most pleasant aspects of watching a baseball game in person is the opportunity to carry a conversation with the person seated next to you. In comparison to the constant drone of cheering at a football game or the blaring music fans are subjected to at arena sports like hockey and basketball, a baseball game is relatively subdued. This allows for conversation and there’s nothing like talking baseball to bring a person closer to their fellow man (or in your case, woman).

In my experience, baseball is the least elitist of the major sports. Don’t understand something on the scoreboard like “OBP”? Ask the stranger seated next to you. If they don’t know, the person behind them will likely proffer an answer. Baseball fans want to share their game unlike, say, the average hockey fan which I’ve found to be much more clique-ish. (You’re either a hockey fan or you’re not; there’s no room for casual fandom. With baseball, anyone can be a fan; some are just more extreme than others.) Another beauty of the game is the average baseball fan readily acknowledges the complexity of the game’s lexicon. There was a time they had to learn it too so they likely sympathize with your inquiries. Much like riding a bike, you may be embarrassed to ask for help in learning, but once you’ve been taught you would never mock someone else for not possessing the knowledge innately. Nobody gains this knowledge without asking.

(I find football fans to have the exact opposite reaction to mundane questions. Where there really isn’t any stupid question you can ask at a baseball game, the wrong inquiry in a football crowd can warrant a patronizing scoff. I’ve never understood this. Football is a much more complex sport and many of the game’s “experts” have done little analysis beyond watching tape. For a game so dependent upon nuance and subtle positioning changes, few even within the game take the time necessary to truly understand what goes on from play to play. This is probably why a coach like Bill Belichick and a writer like Gregg Easterbrook are the best at what they do. The lack of deep thinkers in the game allows for the continued success of those that can look at the game on another level. But I digress.)

In the end, ask the guy next to you and be prepared to listen. No sport comes with more stories than baseball. A century’s worth of games makes for a lot of stories, anecdotes and quips. Like a fine wine, baseball gets better with time.

Things Not to Say – Just as you don’t like us to comment on the wonderful physique of actresses and models in your presence, we don’t really care to hear about the “nice butt” on the right fielder. You can enjoy it, but keep it to yourself. While we’re at it, we also don’t want to hear, “Are you having another beer/hot dog?” or anything else that might be construed as ‘wet blanket’ material. We’re watching baseball. Relax. Enjoy.

So again, we’ve come to the end of another article. Hopefully you ladies learned a few things and have found some new ways to enjoy America’s favorite pastime. The coming season is unavoidable so you may as well embrace it with open arms. You may even discover you like it.

And if you find yourself liking our humble little blog, please pass Canon Fodder along to others. It doesn’t cost you anything and they may even thank you.

Have a question or comment? You can reach me at jeff@canon-fodder.com.