It’s Sunday night and after a long weekend of baseball there’s yet one more game to drive a wedge between the wife and me. The Boston Red Sox are visiting the Texas Rangers at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, Texas.
Jon Miller will be calling the action with Hall of Fame second baseman Joe Morgan providing an unending stream of discolored commentary. (I’ll clue you in right now; I’m not a fan of Joe Morgan. He’s arrogant, close-minded and too many of his compliments are backhanded in nature. I’m not alone in feeling this way either. [http://www.firejoemorgan.com/] On the other hand, I’m a big fan of Miller so you’ve got to take the bad with the good.)
The first brilliant statement from Morgan regarding Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling: “One thing he has to do tonight is have good arm speed. That’s the most important thing for Schilling tonight. If he has good arm speed, his fastball will be a little quicker, his splitter will work and he can change speeds.†Faster arm speed means a quicker fastball? I’m glad Joe was there to clear that up for us.
It’s going to be a long night.
A little aside: I’ve been enjoying free baseball all weekend courtesy of Extra Innings or whatever they’re going to call it this year. This has coincided with free hockey for the final weekend of the regular season. Needless to say, I’ve watched about 100 hours of baseball and hockey over the last three days. (No need to do the math. It feels like 100 hours at this point.) When I capitulated to the wife and attended an Easter dinner at a friend’s house, I was sure this game (and the resulting article) would be a no-go. Thanks to the magic of the DVR, you’re getting play-by-play of a game merely three hours old. Thank you Comcast Digital!
Another aside: I’ve been at the computer for 30 minutes, but I’ve only watched three minutes of pregame. Why? I blame my new addiction to sunflower seeds. David’s roasted and salted. They’re like crack. I saw Ron Washington, the new Texas manager, spitting shells and realized I needed a fix. Is this what it’s like to be a reformed smoker in a bar setting? Now that my typing has dropped to ten words per minute as I have to stop to fish shells out of my gob. I’m now afraid to see what my laptop’s keyboard looks like under black light.
Yet another aside: I’ve made two product plugs in the span of five sentences. Canon Fodder remains free of corporate sponsorship so you can rest assured these plugs were shill-free but if DirecTV or GIANT Sunflower Seeds were to offer to supply my habits, well, I may have to go back on my shill-free position.
Back to the game.
The talk has turned to Sammy “I Speak English Again†Sosa. The corked bat incident didn’t bother me nearly as much as the congressional hearing. A year off and a new uniform have done nothing to wash the stench of cheating off this guy.
Taco Bell commercials are hitting home. If I wasn’t armed with a pile of sunflower seeds, I would probably be headed to the nearest drive-thru.
Vincente Padilla on the mound for the Rangers. “Padilla’s a slow worker.†That doesn’t bode well for my DVR catching the whole game.
One down and the “Greek God of Walks†Kevin Youkilis is quickly up 2-0 in the count. Here’s a guy without much power and a penchant for running up pitch counts. Why not groove the first pitch as Youkilis is probably taking all the way? You don’t nibble with guys like Youk, you go after them. Do they even see Big Papi on deck? A floater to Sosa in right.
David Ortiz crushed a shot to the right field stands. The lesson? Nibble with the big guys and go after the slap hitters like Youkilis. Manny Ramirez follows with a floater to left that was awkwardly caught by Wilkerson. I’m sure Wilkerson’s “dive†won’t be on Web Gems tonight. I’ve seen little leaguers with more grace and style.
Bottom of the first and the ageless wonder Kenny Lofton is up. 39 years old and still playing well enough to be one of the better center fielders in the game. I’m not sure if this is a testament to his physical prowess or an indictment MLB’s penchant for hulking sluggers over the past fifteen years.
I’m not sure who the umpire is but Schilling’s already gotten a generous call off the outside of the plate and yet a beautiful belt-high change-up was called a ball. I didn’t realize they dug up Eric Gregg to call the game tonight.
Frank Catalanotto golfs a shot around the foul pole in right to tie the score. The ball seems to be carrying tonight despite the cold temperatures.
Mark Teixeira up with Michael Young on first. At 26 years old with four years of major league experience and averaging more than 600 plate appearances a season, why aren’t the Rangers doing their best to keep this guy? They’re not even trying to keep him. Isn’t this the same team that threw $250 million at A-Rod? The more I watch baseball, the less I understand.
Teixeira strikes out looking. Way to back me up there buddy.
Top of the second. Gammons is giving credit to Ortiz for coming to the defense of J.D. Drew and his highly-criticized signing. Boston fans had dubbed him “Nancy†Drew. With a career OBP hovering around .400 (.393 to be exact), you would think the Red Sox Nation would be a little happier. Whatev-aaah.
I don’t have it in me to make a Coco Crisp joke. Nope, not going to do it.
The Schilling Splitter has made its first significant appearance. Blalock waived at it on his way to the dugout. Schilling’s using the outside fastball to setup his splitter and looking good. Wilkerson goes down swinging. (As quickly as I wrote that, Laird drops into left field. Why do I even bother typing?)
Does Bill Simmons have the patent on John Mellencamp “Our Country†jokes? Am I flirting with Denis Leary status if I play in Bill’s playground? Is there a Joe Rogan policing the sports blog world that’s going to expose me publicly?
**Sigh** Aside time: Bill Hicks was a comic who succumbed to cancer in the 1990s. Denis Leary rose to fame using Hicks’ material. Joe Rogan has hardly been subtle in his criticism of Leary and subsequently, Leary has stayed away from performing standup. Here’s a link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denis_Leary. (Scroll down to “Accusations of plagiarismâ€.)
Big Papi drills another shot to right with a man on; 3-1 Boston in the third.
Manny with the funky hair reminds me of the Predator. I’ll bet ManRam would dig the comparison.
Bottom of the third and Lofton’s batting average has dropped below the century mark. I am now afraid to write about any of my own fantasy players. **Both of Canon Fodder’s readers rejoice**
Ha! Lofton worked a walk. Maybe my fantasy players are back on the table.
(Type or sunflower seeds? Type or sunflower seeds?)
Ever have a player that has been on a rival fantasy team so you’re automatically rooting against him, then he’s suddenly traded to another non-rival team so you can root for him again? Let me introduce you to Rangers shortstop Michael Young, back in the Canon Fodder good books.
As I wrote that last paragraph, Young roped a shot to left center that was rundown by Coco Crisp. Unfortunately for the Rangers, Lofton was already around second and headed to third. He was easily doubled-up. Fantasy players are back off the table. (If I owned a dog, I would be kicking it right now.)
Bottom of the fourth and we’ve got the first in-game interview with one of the managers. Considering the long and celebrated history of managers coming unglued, am I the only one paying attention to these interviews on the slim chance someone is going to lose it in the heat of the moment? Yeah, I didn’t think so. While we’re on the subject, here is one of my favorite meltdowns:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kamDqL-AGzI
What the heck, here’s a collection of them: http://youtube.com/watch?v=HyzTzwTFgcs&mode=related&search
Nearly 70 pitches for Schilling through four innings. Keep that bullpen loose. 3-1 headed to the top of the fifth.
Another in-game interview without incident. Someday it’ll happen and I’ll be there to enjoy every replay.
Personal note: It’s now 12:30 at night and my infant daughter has been less than cooperative about going to sleep. I managed to rock her to sleep while splitting and eating a dozen sunflower seeds. I’m ready for the big leagues.
Alex Cora attempted to lay down a bunt and was thrown out at first but a runner advanced to second. The Rangers argued Cora ran into the ball so he’s out and the runner should return to first base. The umpires conferred and decided Cora did run into the ball but he was still in the batter’s box making the play a foul ball. (The replay shows the Rangers were right, Cora was actually outside the box, but who’s splitting hairs.) The end result? Man on first and an 0-2 count on Cora. If Cora gets a hit, the Rangers are going to look awfully silly.
Strike out. Much ado about nothing.
46 degrees and Miller and Morgan can’t stop talking about how cold it is. Cold? Really? In Texas? It was snowing at Yankee Stadium today.
Bottom of the fifth, the Sox are still on top 3-1.
For the 25th time tonight, Morgan and Miller are discussing Schilling’s uncharacteristic four-inning outing earlier in the week. One would think Schilling has never been bounced early from a game by the way these two are carrying on. It was one frickin’ start, guys. Layoff.
The obligatory bloody sock highlight has made its first appearance. (I was already firmly in the Schilling camp when he limped out to the mound against the Yankees. Afterwards, Schilling entered legendary status.)
Drew just got punched out. The strike zone seems to be expanding west-to-east but shortening from north-to-south. I thought Queztec was supposed to correct this trend. Headed to the bottom of the sixth with the meat of the Rangers order coming up.
Lots of Jackie Robinson talk. Lots. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan and all but this is beginning to feel a bit forced. Great player. Pioneer. Endured abuse he never should have had to. But I find the more it’s brought up, the more it seems like you’re picking at an ugly scab. It’s as if MLB wants to annually celebrate its past institutional racism.
The Teixeira shift is on and results in a ground out to the shortstop playing to the right of second base. With only one player left of second, why don’t hitters like Big Papi, Teixeira and Jim Thome just poke dribblers the other way? If they went the opposite way enough times, there’s an excellent possibility opponents wouldn’t play the shift. Another example of the more I watch baseball, the less I understand.
Schilling’s through seven innings and cruising. His pitch count has got to be near the century mark. He’s allowed only two hits and one walk since the homer in the first. He got out of the seventh on eight pitches. Bring Schilling back out but have the bullpen loosening up. If he’s got the stuff for one more inning, you can turn to Papelbon in the ninth and call it a night.
Morgan called Cora “Joeyâ€. The ESPN stat banner has him listed as “Alexâ€. I already identified him as “Joeyâ€. (During editing I discovered it is actually Alex and not Joey playing for the BoSox.) The question now is whether I’m as senile as Morgan or is Morgan is actually right about something. I’m not sure if I’m happy either way. (I’m still not happy.)
Peter Gammons broke into the broadcast to report Schilling would be returning to pitch the eighth inning despite his pitch count being at 102. Coming back from commercial, Joel Pineiro is on the mound. Welcome to my night, Pete.
Hey, the strike zone has moved south. Yippee! But now it’s not running as far east and west. Nice consistency.
A walk to the leadoff hitter followed by another walk. There’s nothing quite like pulling a hot pitcher and being rewarded with a pair of walks from your setup man. Oh, and the walks were to the eighth and ninth hitters.
Oops. Drag bunt single and the bases are loaded. Pineiro is headed to the showers. (Keep in mind, Pineiro was slotted to be the Red Sox closer coming out of spring training until an eleventh hour decision moved Papelbon out of the starting rotation and aborted what could have been a lot of fun for cynics like me.) On a brighter note, I’m sure Schilling is waiting the showers with a bar of soap wrapped in a towel to give Pineiro the Private Pyle treatment. (It’s okay, you can Google it. The Wikipedia link is probably the best description.)
Here you go Javier Lopez, bases loaded with no outs in a two-run game. Make something happen.
Unbelievably, a laser to Youkilis at first base results in an out and a run scored. That could have turned out much worse for the Rangers. Men at first and third with one out and Papelbon about to enter the game.
Jonathon “I’m a Closer, I’m a Starter, I’m a Closer Again†Papelbon is in the game. Nasty stuff. The talking heads are debating whether it’s wise to use him for five outs or not to closeout the game. Frankly, this is exactly the situation to use your best pitcher. Would you want another guy like Pineiro out there right now if you’re a Sox fan? I didn’t think so.
Wow, Papelbon is throwing bullets. Three fastballs at 94, 94 and 96 mph. G’night Michael Young and Big Tex followed by popping up harmlessly. Five pitches and two nasty glares out of Papelbon.
The strike zone has moved north of Big Papi’s belt. Teixeira made a nice dive to rob Papi of a hit. It looks like Teixeira deserves the last two Gold Gloves he’s been awarded.
Pitching change to face the Predator/ManRam.
Akinori Otsuka has got a funky little leg kick. Are they even teaching pitching mechanics in Japan these days?
I don’t think this umpire can find his strike zone with a roadmap and a GPS.
The BoSox are threatening with men on first and second with two outs. Bring on Varitek and this mighty .125 batting average. Nope, forget it. Drew got gunned down attempting to swipe third. Let’s head to the bottom of the ninth.
Sosa. Papelbon. Two Jack Nicholson in The Shining stares and pop-up to first base. Next up, Hank “Can’t Hit a Splitter†Blalock. Sure enough, 0-1 on a splitter. Five glares and Blalock swings at a 96 mph fastball over his shoulders. Two down.
Wilkerson. Glare. High fastball. Strike one.
Glare. High fastball. Strike two. (A horrible attempt by Wilkerson to check his swing.)
Glare. 96 mph fastball down the pipe. Wilkerson looked like a deer in headlights. Game over. A dozen glares. Five outs. The Red Sox look like they’ve got their closer for years to come.
2500 words. Four links. Three unlinked obscure references. Two instances of product placement. My work here is done.
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