Archive for May, 2007

The Bat Signal is Shining

Thursday, May 31st, 2007

I’ve kept this under wraps for a week now so as not to jinx myself. Now it’s just hours short of liftoff and I feel confident in sharing this with you. My lovely wife and daughter will be boarding a plane in a matter of hours and heading to New York for the weekend.

And I won’t be joining them.

For the first time in the two-and-a-half years I’ve been happily married – and even more so, the eighteen months I’ve been a father – I’ll be free of nearly all responsibilities this weekend. With the exception of a wedding reception on Saturday night, I’ve got 72 hours of freedom. Total, complete, unadulterated freedom. No holds barred until I’m to pick the family up from the airport on Sunday evening.

So the question becomes, how am I going to spend the next three days?

That’s where you, the Canon Fodder reader, come into play.

My initial reaction was to play video games until my thumbs fell off. I could probably crank out 96 straight games of my baseball season on the PlayStation, but then it would be time to head back to the airport just as the video calendar was turning to October.

For a brief moment I even considered working my normal Friday and racking up some overtime on Saturday. Then my boss expressed his envy of my pending freedom and all but tacitly approved my missing work tomorrow.

Another option was a whirlwind tour of my old stomping grounds as I reacquainted myself with all the watering holes that had led to my spotted liver. Then I realized my wife and child are spending three days in Manhattan so my wallet will already be under a considerable amount of strain. Whatever I do will need to be relatively inexpensive.

Then I thought of you, my three or four loyal readers. Three days in the abyss would be a total joy for me but offer nothing in the way of productivity for Canon Fodder. I’m tempted to pen a running diary but Bill Simmons does that for all his big ESPN trips and I want to at least keep up the illusion of not being a complete hack. Besides, I would start drinking a bit too much one evening and suddenly find 24 hours had gone by without posting. Though I’m from the Tennessee Williams’ school of writing (which is to say drinking and late night writing go hand-in-hand), I need to stay somewhat coherent so beer is on the menu but gin and shots are out of the question. (Well, maybe not completely out.)

So if you’ve got a sporting event and an open tab, I’m your writer this weekend. Do you want to discuss the finer points of those remote bar trivia games on Thursday until last call? Let me know because I’m free. Friday afternoon viewing of a rerun UFC fight? I’m available. Dog fighting with an unnamed NFL quarterback? My schedule is wide open. Got a couple of gearhead friends nuzzling up to some lukewarm Natural Light Ice for a NASCAR race on Sunday? I’m ready to be indoctrinated.

The Blackberry will be working overtime this weekend so drop an e-mail to jeff@canon-fodder.com and I’ll peel open a bloodshot eye to give it a look. Those of you familiar with the bat phone should give it a call if you’ve got something you believe is worthy of Canon Fodder’s attention. I’ll look forward to your responses.

And may god have mercy on my liver.

How to Fix the Yankees

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

I’m not a fan of the New York Yankees. Frankly, I’m a Yankee Hater. Watching the demise of the Bronx Bombers brings yours truly a bit of schadenfreude. To see fans of the Pinstripes wallow in despair fills me with unparalleled personal joy. The World Series defeats of 2001 and 2003 are wonderful memories and satiated my Yankee Hate through the winters following. When baseball’s most storied franchise finished their epic collapse in the 2004 ALCS to the whipping boy Boston Red Sox, it was the culmination of everything being right in the universe and maybe as close as I’ll ever come to believing in the power of a supreme being.

Today we find the Yankees riding a five-game losing streak in last place in the American League East and trailing the BoSox by 14.5 games. Only three teams in all of Major League Baseball have fewer wins than the $200 million (or so) Yankee payroll. With Steinbrenner ailing with health issues (and even my Yankee Hate doesn’t go far enough to wish bad things upon him at this point), the Bombers are somewhat of a rudderless ship right now. So in the spirit of helping a fan base in need, I’m going to put aside my distaste for all things New York and offer some advice to this beleaguered franchise. If George turned to me in a moment of weakness and asked for my counsel, I would offer the following:

Remove Brian Cashman as General Manager – From what I’ve read and heard from him, Cashman is not a bad guy. I’m not calling for his outright firing. He might be a pretty shrewd administrator. But as a GM? Let’s just say there’s little reason to be impressed regardless of how many Yankee apologists say otherwise. Backed by a huge budget with the advantage of being at the helm of baseball’s marquee franchise, Cashman’s biggest obstacle is dealing with Steinbrenner. A guy getting paid to deal with a difficult boss? Welcome to everybody’s job. Running the Yankees isn’t a cross to bear, it’s a dream job. Easy? No, but it’s got to be better than running the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Do you think Cashman would trade in his job for Dayton Moore’s in Kansas City? Not a chance so let’s skip the pity party and look at what he’s done.

Three World Series, five AL pennants and a team on top of the division standings every year since he took the wheel back in 1998. Though his credentials look impressive on paper, how many other GMs could have pulled together the same feats? With bottomless coffers to raid (thanks to the YES network), “Cash Man” might be a more appropriate moniker for the executive. Think of it this way; in recent memory, how many times have the Yankees been outbid on a player they’ve wanted? Andy Pettitte’s move to Houston seemed to be motivated by more than money. Clemens joined him for the same reason. (And they’re both back in New York and being paid handsomely.) The ability to retain your homegrown talent is a massive hurdle for any GM… Unless you’re the Cash Man. (While we’re at it, can you name a single successful player Cashman drafted? A quick scan of drafts going back to 2000 illustrates how the Yankees scouts don’t seem to be spotting the up-and-comers.) Though the Yankees minor leagues are bereft of talent, Cashman still had the biggest of weapons at his disposal; cold, hard cash. Even with this advantage, Brian Cashman hasn’t been able to maintain Yankee prominence. For that reason alone, a better option for general manager should be sought.

Rebuild the Minors – This is always easier said than done. With the team finishing in the upper portion of the standings each year and MLB’s prohibition on trading draft picks, it’s not as though the Yanks will be picking at the front of the draft order in the near future. What the Yankees can do is to stop dealing any promising prospect for this year’s next soon-to-be-free-agent. The new GM has to stem the flow of players out the door.

(At this point in writing the article, I went back and did some quick and dirty research of the last seven Yankee drafts. What a stinking pile of refuse. One thing’s for sure, they’ll never confuse Cashman with Billy Beane or John Schuerholz. Luckily the Yanks make up for there draft day ineptitude by signing every foreign player that draws breath. Melky Cabrera, Robinson Cano, Chien-Ming Wang and Hideki Matsui are current Yankees signed outside the auspice of the amateur baseball draft so I’ll say the they’ve done a decent job of raiding the foreign market. Now that the rest of baseball is finally recognizing talent overseas, will the Yanks be able to depend on this talent pool as much as before? Not likely.)

Regardless of the Pinstripe’s recent draft failures, a new GM should separate the immediate needs of the big club from long-term goals for the minor league system. If – and that seems to be a big if at this point – the Yanks can start actually drafting MLB-worthy talent, the new GM will need to keep it within the organization no matter what bait is waved before them to improve the big league club.

Don’t Get Rid of the Old Guard – If there is going to be transition period for the Pinstripes, they’ll need Derek Jeter to be onboard with it. With his thirty-third birthday pending, the Yankee captain has maybe five quality years left in him. Turning over the roster could take a fair portion of that period. Johnny Damon, Jorge Posada and Jason Giambi are aging in dog years at this point so they’ll likely stay on for another two or three seasons if a contract is offered. Pettitte, Mussina and Clemens are in the twilight of their respective careers but have something left in the tank so the Yanks probably don’t have to worry about completely rebuilding the staff for 2008. Holding onto these players for the next couple years could keep the fan base satisfied while the minors round into shape.

Continue the Practice of Buying Players – Just because most baseball fans despise the Yankees for their ability to outspend everyone doesn’t mean the Pinstripes should stop playing the game they play best. Until the minor leagues can be restocked with talent, the new GM will have to continue overpaying for talent. And that’s not a bad thing. Most free agents want to play on the biggest stage and the Big Apple certainly qualifies as such. It never ceases to amaze me when a potential free agent is positioning himself to hit the market and then hears a whisper of Yankee interest. Suddenly they can’t wait to put on the pinstripes. The public courtship becomes a big ego stroke for the player. Some even take it to the extreme of flirting with rival teams so as to extort more money from the Yankees and stoke the media fires even higher. Heck, Roger Clemens perfected the art and turned a game at Yankee Stadium into a love-in.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=tEi734O5P6A[/youtube]

Oops, wrong clip. (But that was the REAL audio.)

Until the minor leagues can be rebuilt, you’ve still got to put butts in the seats and nothing does that like big-name free agents. As long as the purse strings are loose, there’s no reason for the Yanks to ignore their biggest advantage. Are they going to miss on occasion (Carl Pavano)? Sure. But they’ve been known to hit too (Mike Mussina).

And If You’re Buying, Buy the Right Players – Mark Teixeira will be a free agent after this year at the tender age of 28. The new Yankee GM should be on Big Tex’s doorstep the day after the World Series concludes and begin the wooing process. Teixeira is from the Baltimore area and is rumored to be heading back to Oriole Country. A wheelbarrow full of money might be enough to convince the slugger to play the prime of his career 200 miles from his hometown. While our new GM is at it, he can stop by Carlos Zambrano’s house with a Brinks truck if the Cubs fail to sign their ace pitcher over the summer. He’ll only be 26 years old with seven seasons of major league experience under his belt and the ability to become a cornerstone of any rotation. Guys like these two just don’t grow on trees. The Yankees built their organization in the 1990s around not losing such promising players. If they’re going to open the pocket book, be sure to spend it on the guys that shouldn’t be on the market in the first place. Instead of wasting cash on one-year wonders (Pavano), the Pinstripes would do better to focus all their efforts into signing only the most proven and durable of free agents. Granted, they’re few and far between, but what few do become available will have a hard time resisting the pull of fame and fortune in the House that Ruth Built.

So there you are; five quick and relatively easy steps to turning the New York Yankees around. The team could remain competitive (though maybe not the world beaters they’ve been for the last ten years) while keeping the fan base placated and showing an eye toward the future. A change a minor league philosophy here, clip an executive there, find a new scout or two and suddenly the Bronx Bombers are right back on track.

Then the rest of us can go back to fostering our Yankee Hate again.

Enjoying Canon Fodder? Pass it on to friends and family. Have a question or just want to point your finger and laugh at the expense of Yankee fans? Tell me about it by dropping an e-mail at jeff@canon-fodder.com and I’ll see about including it in an upcoming article.

The Cheating Scale (Part II)

Friday, May 25th, 2007

Last week we examined the lesser offenses on Canon Fodder’s Cheating Scale (Part I). Today we’ll knock off the remaining six degrees of cheating of our first draft. (Remember, this scale is to be a living document which will require constant altering. That’s where you, the reader, come into play.)

Picking up where we left off, here are the hardcore instances of cheating in the world of sports.

Willing Infractions – These are times when a player acknowledges a play is illegal and does it anyway. (Usually this is because the punishment is preferable to the outcome if they don’t commit the penalty.)

In hockey terms, this is something as simple as a defenseman dragging down an opponent rather than allowing them a naked breakaway. Most coaches would agree two minutes in the box is better than permitting a game-breaking scoring opportunity.

When on the gridiron, an offensive tackle might have to commit a holding penalty to protect his quarterback’s blindside. Ten yards tacked on to the line of scrimmage is a better alternative to scraping your franchise star from under 300 lbs. of bloodthirsty, mongoloid defensive end.

Basketball has institutionalized the practice of committing a foul to the point it’s a strategy. Try and think of a close game recently when the trailing team didn’t attempt to foul so as to preserve the clock and give themselves another chance to win. It’s to the point where the final two minutes of an NBA game has become a free throw shooting contest.

Premeditated – Where the previously-mentioned Gentleman’s Violations are often crimes of opportunity, the following are a conscious, premeditated effort by the player to garner an illegal advantage.

NFL players have been rumored to use substances from Stickum-covered hands (Fred Biletnikoff) to Vaseline-slathered shoulder pads (Barry Sanders). (I can recall an instance when officials had to stop the game to check Sanders’ jersey for a slippery substance because of complaints by the defensive team. No substance was found.)

Sticks with too much curve are the big premeditated crime in the NHL. Elite scorers are notorious for having certain sticks for the first and second periods of games, then a different (less-curved, more legal) stick for the third period when opponents are more likely to ask for a measurement. Until recently, goalies pushed equipment regulations to the limit with oversized jerseys (Patrick Roy) and padding bordering on medieval armor (Garth Snow).

Baseball players are the worst offenders when it comes to premeditated cheating. Corked bats are the hitter’s typical modus operandi. Sammy Sosa had a bat explode in 2003 resulting in a seven-game suspension for corking. Albert Belle had a bat confiscated that led to a break-in of the umpires’ dressing room in 1994. One crime begat another.

The history of pitchers doctoring balls is long and storied. Hall of Fame pitcher Gaylord Perry made a career of slathering the ball in Vaseline to the point he approached the company in an attempt to advertise their product. Their rumored response? “We soothe babies’ backsides, not baseballs.”

Cheap Shots – Of all the ways a player can break the rules to give themselves a competitive advantage, the least sportsmanlike is the cheap shot. This happens when one player disrespects another competitor – often one with superior talent – to the point they opt to injure them. This type of frustration-laden form of cheating is the dirtiest way to play and is typically met with hefty fines and suspensions.

Dale Hunter made NHL history with a vicious hit on Pierre Turgeon after a goal was scored in a playoff game. Hunter’s explanation was he hadn’t noticed Turgeon scored. When the league handed out a twenty-one game suspension, critics joked it was twenty for the hit and one for the bad excuse.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=GWVb8AFf4Dk[/youtube]

The flagrant foul has been a big topic of discussion in the NBA. Here’s a pair of instances when players took advantage of an opportunity to deliver a bit more force than was necessary.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=AJz6Op1cBTQ[/youtube]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XGDduMtMnvw

Even the No Fun League (NFL) has its share of blatantly opportunistic hits. The first link is a nasty head stomp and the second is a compilation of mostly legal hits, but there are more than a few clothesline tackles and instances of spearing. Enjoy!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW4XUpN9bPQ[/youtube]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Z0EcnHwQMA

I couldn’t locate any footage of Ty Cobb breaking up a double play with his spikes up or a clip of Juan Marichal clubbing catcher John Roseboro with a bat but stuff like that is hardly uncommon in baseball. Bean balls and bench clearing brawls offer the cheap shot artist plenty of opportunities to practice their craft.

Performance-Enhancing Substances – Let’s air something out right off the bat; just because a league (say, Major League Baseball for example) didn’t specifically ban a particular substance doesn’t mean its players could legally use the said substance. You see, if the material in question is a controlled substance and the player is using it without a prescription, then the P-E substance is illegal under U.S. law and by that definition banned by all the professional sports leagues. Unfortunately, baseball officials compounded their problem by ignoring it for years rather than battling the overly-powerful players union. It wasn’t until public opinion turned and Congress addressed the subject that Bud Selig had the leverage necessary to override the union.

MLB’s culpability in this issue doesn’t change the fact players across all the major sports are using P-E substances in an attempt to better themselves. Personally, I don’t have a problem if Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi want to enlarge their skulls to bobblehead size in their pursuit of homeruns or if Ken Caminiti sacrifices his testicles for an MVP award. My problem is when they won’t admit using these illicit substances (except when cornered by a grand jury). If a player wants to fly down to Mexico (where most of these substances are legal) during the off-season and bulk-up, that’s hardly cheating. “I eat a dozen raw eggs for protein and then shoot some horse steroids before hitting the gym.” Cool. Just come out and admit it. If a player believes steroid use isn’t cheating, take a stand and stop hiding. (And don’t pull a Jose Canseco and promote the use of P-E drugs after-the-fact. Come out before you’re caught and lead a movement to legalize these substances if you really believe their use isn’t cheating.) Players like Bonds, Giambi, McGwire, Sosa and Caminiti spent their entire careers trying to separate themselves from the pack and enter the spotlight. To argue “everyone else is using” is nothing more than a copout by millionaires attempting to escape public backlash when they’ve been exposed as frauds.

Metagaming – When you’re using factors beyond those allowed within the context of the game, you’re guilty of metagaming. Stealing signs because your player on second base can interpret the catcher’s signals is a lot different from having a guy with binoculars in the centerfield stands relaying the upcoming pitch to the batter via a light on the scoreboard. (Oh yes, that’s been done.)

There have been occasions when NFL coaches have had to sacrifice their beloved headsets because those used by the opponent were malfunctioning. Coaches cover their mouths for fear of lip-reading spies watching them. More than one playbook has ended up in enemy hands. In the uber-secret world of NFL coaches, this all makes sense. To the rest of us it’s just paranoia run amuck.

One would think a less-static game like hockey wouldn’t have room for metagaming but accusations flew during the 1993 Stanley Cup finals when Montreal coach Jacques Demers called for a stick measurement of a Kings player. A power play resulted and the Canadiens tied the game and later won in overtime. Rumor had it the staff of the Montreal Forum had inspected the Kings’ equipment when it arrived and informed the coaching staff of the illegal stick. Though this story hasn’t been confirmed, NHL teams carefully guard their equipment to this day when in opposing venues.

Just last year the St. Louis Cardinals grumbled their suspicions the Chicago White Sox were using a centerfield camera to steal signs from the catcher. Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen laughed at the accusation but antics of this type go back generations. Bobby Thompson’s “Shot Heard Round the World” is hinted to have come about in large part due to Giants coach Herman Franks situating himself in the centerfield clubhouse and relaying the catcher’s sign back to the dugout via a buzzer. The players then signaled the Thompson at the plate. None of this can be proven, of course, but the technology was certainly in place and such a feat would be even easier to pull off today.

Gambling – The most insidious form of cheating often results because of gambling. Sometimes it’s merely a college point-shaving scheme. Arizona State was rocked by a scandal in 1994. The University of Toledo is dealing with point-shaving over a span of years from 2003 to 2006. This is simply asking a team to go ahead and win, but just don’t win by more than a certain margin. The players in question usually receive money or benefits from bookies to ensure a game turns out with a specific outcome. Bookies don’t necessarily care which team wins the game, just the margin of victory is within their betting parameters.

The outright throwing of a game rarely happens and it’s probably because of the reaction to the Black Sox scandal back in 1919. The book and movie Eight Men Out details the events leading to eight players of the Chicago White Sox accepting money to lose the World Series. All eight (and a player for the St. Louis Browns with knowledge of the scheme) were banned for life.

The most common form of gambling in sports might actually come in the form of a player or coach betting on their own team to win. Pete Rose is the obvious example that comes to mind of someone using their gambling as an actual defense for their crime. “I bet on my team every night. I didn’t bet on my team four nights a week. I bet on my team to win every night because I love my team, I believe in my team,” said Rose in a radio interview back in March. The problem Rose is oblivious to happens when a gambler forsakes the long-term interests of the team for a short-term bet on a game. How many times did Rose overwork a pitcher because he was desperate to win a bet when a night of rest would have benefited the team and reduced the player’s risk of injury? It’s hard not to be dubious as to whether any manager foolish enough to break baseball’s cardinal rule (which is clearly posted in every locker room in the league) would be willing to put this organization first when money is on the line. Even if Rose didn’t know it was impacting his decisions, the goal of winning every night (which is completely unrealistic) probably hurt the Reds under his leadership. Gambling’s tendrils twist themselves to make even the most well-meaning of sportsmen into villainous heels. For this reason alone, gambling is the worst offense and tops the Cheating Scale.

So there you are, Canon Fodder’s Cheating Scale from minor infractions to the most heinous of offenses. Though it’s impossible to paint all these crimes with the same brush, this list should at least shed some light onto where these rank in the grand scheme of sportsmanship.

Hopefully you’re still enjoying what you’re reading here at Canon Fodder. If so, keep passing it on to friends. Have a question or comment (or a correction for something like the Cheating Scale)? E-mail me at jeff@canon-fodder.com. Anticipate a regular slate of entries next week as things get back to normal in the life of yours truly.