Canon Fodder – Sports Blog

With Labor Day weekend nearly upon us – and with it, a slew of live fantasy drafts – it’s time for Canon Fodder to offer up a few tips on how to handle your live draft. We’re past the strategy stage of the game. Solid position lists. Overall draft strategy. Don’t ‘Chase the Dragon’. That’s all nuts-and-bolts stuff essential to fantasy drafts of any sport. Any pencil-pushing bean counter can excel in this aspect of the game.

 

But a live draft is a beast of a completely different nature. It’s the live draft that separates the men from the boys. The proper employment of a few psychological devices can play havoc upon an opponent’s best laid draft plans. With the application of the slightest effort and guise, you might even derail a competitor or two before the first kickoff. Without further ado, here are Canon Fodder’s Live Draft Battle Tactics.

 

Buy the First Round – Alcohol is your friend. Embrace it. If you’ve done your homework and are waltzing in with thorough position lists and a draft strategy, you won’t need to do too much thinking. Imbibe. Encourage others to join in. Become the entertainment director for the event. Raise everyone’s spirits as you subtly distract them from the task at hand. At the very least, it’s hard for folks to be too mad a person kind enough to buy them a beer or two.

 

Bait and Switch: Buffalo Wing Style – If your league’s draft is being held at a favorite watering hole, order up a slew of Buffalo wings with extra sauce. The more flavors the better. Once they arrive, discretely wait until owners are making their picks and intentionally offer different types of wings to the next owner in the draft order. If you’re lucky and they accept a saucy wing or two (and why wouldn’t they – you’re a wonderful host!), you’ll be screwing them two-fold. First, they’re not likely to be paying attention to the pick preceding them. Secondly, they’re getting messy. Before the wing-lover realizes it, he’s on the clock. “What? Who was that last pick?” he’ll say in dismay. Other owners start to chide him for slowing the draft down. Now the victim is trying to play catch-up and organize his magazines or lists with sauce-laden fingers making a mess of everything. More barbs from other owners. The final result? A panic pick. Mission accomplished.

 

The Pink Highlighter – A smart owner would carry a pair of highlighters into their draft. As players are selected, cross them off your lists. Highlight your players in whatever color you choose. Highlight opposing players in pink. For one reason or another, this absolutely unnerves at least one opponent. They select someone and there you are crossing off the player’s name in pink. Pink! It’s like your silently criticizing their every pick. (Which, of course, you are.)

 

Backhanded Compliments – There’s always one or two guys seeking approval for every one of their picks. They’re the guys that whisper stuff like, “What do you think of my draft so far?” They want you to fawn over their roster. Give them what they’re looking for… but not quite. When they say, “Can you believe I just grabbed so-and-so?” reply with, “I’m kind of shocked. I don’t think he was on anyone’s board for a few more rounds. You must really like him.” Regardless of what they choose, always mention the glass-half-empty aspect of their selection. No matter how outlandish your rebuttal, these schmucks are so starved for acknowledgement you can be assured your quips are hitting home. “LaDainian Tomlinson. I’m set.” “Sure. But I hear Norv Turner likes platooning his running backs.” Don’t allow them to enjoy any of their victories.

 

Ring the Bell – In addition to the highlighters, consider bringing along one of those desktop call bells. When in the right hands, a simple bell can become a grating psychological weapon. Manage to grab your top-rated quarterback? Ring the bell. Get the receiver you wanted? Ding. Somebody reach and take a player listed much lower on your list? Ding, ding. An opponent select a second kicker? Ding, ding, ding. Within just a few rounds opponents will announce their pick and then look to see if you’re pulling a Quasimodo reaching for the dreaded bell. (No, not Quasimodo the Nobel Prize-winning Italian poet; the hunchbacked one.)

 

Outright Mocking – The best defense is a good offense. In the world of trash talking, it’s better throw a few preemptive strikes before someone in the crowd pipes up and takes a crack at you. Say you’ve just selected a young receiver with a dubious shot at a starting job. Instead of quietly slinking away, stand up and berate your fellow fantasy football owners with, “What’s wrong with you guys? Are you going to let all the players with upside land on my roster? Why not just hand me the trophy right now and save yourselves five months of grief?” If you’ve got the moxie, there isn’t anyone going to say a bad word about your draft. Opponents will be more concerned they possibly missed the boat on the upstarts you’re so excited about.

 

Sack of ‘Poop’ Award – We’re reaching back to 1980 and Caddyshack for this bit. Prior to your draft, go out and purchase a bag of snack-sized Baby Ruth candy bars. Unwrap them, put them in a paper lunch sack and bring it to your draft. Someone make a bad pick? Hand them a ‘turd’ to show how you feel about their selection. On the one hand, they’re happy to receive a candy bar. On the other, you’re really singling them out. The bonus comes near the end of the draft when you award one special owner the remaining handful of candy and declare his roster the draft’s biggest sack of…

 

When all is said and done, you’ll probably have derailed an opponent or two and had a great time doing it. And in the end, isn’t that what fantasy sports are all about?

 

 

Still enjoying Canon Fodder? Tell a friend. Question, comment or draft day shenanigan to share? Contact me at jeff@canon-fodder.com.