Archive for December, 2007

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Gambler’s Corner: Week 17

Friday, December 28th, 2007

By Joe Moskwa


I was 1-1 on my big parlay last week, thanks to the Cowboys. (I thought they would cover the 11 points against the Panthers.) What a year so far, I still can’t put my finger on anything. Well, a COUPLE things have been easy to pick. Like the Jaguars. Or the Packers at home. Or the Pats to just win outright. Well, I was 2-1 in the non-parlay picks, which would’ve put me at about even for this week if I’d have actually placed those bets.


As for THIS week, it’s Week 17. For those of you that are unfamiliar, Week 17 in the NFL is like no other week. There will be about a handful of games that actually MEAN something, and I don’t think we have even ONE game that features BOTH teams playing for something. If you’re going to wager this weekend, there are a couple easy strategies to look at. First, please don’t touch any games that have two teams that aren’t playing for a spot. Second, learn which teams will be benching starters. How would one know that, you ask? Well, you don’t. Unless those same teams have done it in years past, which we have here. (I’ll get to that.)


One last thing before the picks; let’s have a moment of silence for the NFL regular season. It’s gone. All the intense channel-flipping between numerous games is over. Fantasy football is gone. Most of your favorite teams are done for the season too. Next week the playoffs start, and we all know what comes with it. Sure, the best teams are playing, and the games get better (for the most part), but have you ever sat down and just tried to watch just ONE NFL game? Well sure you have, but while I compare this to watching 4-6 games at one time, I can’t bare to think about sitting through all those commercials, and even worse, when there’s a coach’s challenge. Whenever I see a red flag, that’s a “flag” for me to get up, hit the john, get another drink, maybe grab a snack, perhaps look out the window, maybe do a shot… then come back and see if the challenge is done. During the regular season, that red flag is a prompt to checkout a different game. I’ll still watch every game though, but I will miss the regular season.


Okay, onto the picks…


Saturday night
New England Patriots (15-0) at New York Giants (10-5) – G-Men getting 14.5

The Giants clinched their playoff spot, and a win this week does NOTHING for them. I also heard Coach Coughlin say something along the lines of how the rest of the NFL couldn’t knock the Pats off, so why is it up to them to ruin the perfect season? This is code for a white flag. Also, is their anything short of creating a Pro-bowl type team for this game to try and stop the Pats from going 16-0? I doubt it. While I haven’t picked the Pats correctly ONCE this season, I’m calling it now.

PICK: Pats cover the two touchdowns and change.


Sunday
Detroit Lions (7-8) at Green Bay Packers (12-3) – MotorCity Kitties getting 3.5

There isn’t a thing that can be decided here, playoff-wise. But did you know that the Lions make the trip to Lambeau every year and haven’t won there in 16 seasons? This is a personal bet I make every year, just because. I’m gonna bet it until I lose, and I haven’t lost since I was in grade school. I gotta go Packers.

PICK: Take the Cheeseheads and give the figgie and change.


The next two picks I’m going to make are based on teams that I KNOW will be sitting starters. These two games will conclude my picks for this week. I’m confident in at least a 3-1 record for this weekend.


Dallas Cowboys (13-2) at Washingtong Redskins (8-7) – ‘Boys getting 9.5

The Cowboys have homefield LOCKED. Expect to see Brad Johnson and several other backups playing. The Redskins control their playoff fate, so a win this Sunday gets them an invite to the post-season dance. This is one of the easier bets for me to make this weekend. (The Vikings sure blew it this year, didn’t they?) TAKE THE SKINS

PICK: Racial slurs giving nearly double-digits.


Tennessee Titans (9-6) at Indianapolis Colts (13-2) – Horsies getting 6

The Colts do it EVERY year. Automatic. Their last one or two games mean nothing, and they just lay down. If you are still playing fantasy football this week, and you have Peyton Manning or Joseph Addai, please bench them because Coach Dungy will be doing the same. Also, the Titans control their own fate as well. Unfortunately for the Cleveland Browns, they will be the odd team out when Tennessee wraps this win up. Take the Titans.

PICK: Thumbtacks giving the six.


Some notes before I wrap up:


Teams that REALLY blew it this year: Saints, Browns, Vikings. I’m especially bummed about the Browns. I wanted to go catch a Steelers-Browns or a Colts-Browns playoff game this year, in person. I still may catch a match in the RCA Dome anyway.


Expect a playoff “Gambler’s Corner” for the postseason. I got a week to try to get an explanation together on how the Pats aren’t winning the Super Bowl this year. (I might not even be able to convince MYSELF they won’t win though).


My New Year’s Resolutions: Be funnier when I write. Drink MORE before I write. Visit the Hall of Fame in 5 years when Roger Clemens is inducted. (Editor’s note: No way Clemens makes the first ballot. Not happening.) Try not to pick on Michigan fans as much. I bet Coach Rodriguez could beat Appalachian State though.

Happy New Year. Only a coule more days until champagne, lamb chops and some good bowl games.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Joe Moskwa, NFL, Sports Betting | No Comments »

Twelve Holiday Wishes

Monday, December 24th, 2007

By Jeffrey Petts

We’ll attempt to keep this non-denominational and just play-up the “holiday” theme. Here are twelve holiday wishes – one for each of the twelve days of Christmas – to put under this sports fan’s proverbial tree.

(I could have made the attempt to change the lyrics to The Twelve Days of Christmas, but it was 2:30 in the morning when I came up with idea so just be happy with what you’ve got.)

Here we go…

Twelve Ws… in 2008 for Michigan’s new head coach, Rich Rodriguez. With a bit of luck, he can pick up his thirteenth win in the first week in January of ’09.

Eleven days of tickets… for Business Man’s Specials throughout the baseball season. Few things are more enjoyable than a day game on a weekday afternoon. You could be in the office or having fun in the sun? Watered-down draft beer never tasted better.

A ten-year contract extension… for the Detroit Red Wings’ GM, Ken Holland. Critics said the Wings would never compete in a salary-capped NHL. Um, WRONG. They change the rules, and Kenny keeps plugging in the winning pieces. Holland can stay as long as he likes, in my opinion. He’s earned it.

Nine quality hitters… for my fantasy baseball team. Spring Training can’t get here fast enough for some of us.

Eight touchdowns… for Tom Brady against the G-Men so he can blow by Peyton Manning’s touchdown record and put an exclamation point on what’s been a brilliant season.

Seven months… of Tiger dominance. With the additions of Dontrelle Willis, Miguel Cabrera and Edgar Renteria, Detroit is an early favorites to win the AL Central. (And if you’re doing the math, that seventh month is October.)

Six months… of Big Apple averageness, for Met and Yankee fans alike. When their teams are bad (like the dreadful Knicks), they’re easily ignored. But when they’re merely average, the faithful endlessly torture themselves through a grueling 162-game season. And the rest of us get to sit back and enjoy the show.

A five-year hiatus… from discussing Roger Clemens and whether he deserves entry into Cooperstown after the release of the Mitchell Report. (He doesn’t.)

Four… more wins for the New England Patriots. I’m just that tired of hearing about the ‘72 Dolphins.

Three lousy points… and a trip in the Wayback Machine for the Detroit Lions and their fans. A single point would have kept the Lions from losing in overtime to the Vikings back in September, and a pair would have allowed them to prevail over the Cowboys two weeks ago. With two more wins, the Lions are at 9-6 and control their own playoff destiny. Instead, it’s just another hopeless Christmas in Detroit.

Two uneventful years… for Michael Vick in the federal pen. Let him do the time, make amends and be a lesson to the rest of us. Hopefully the lesson has a happy ending. (Or dogs – in a fit of karmic irony – maul him. Either way, we learn an interesting lesson.)

A repeat performance… of Canon Fodder’s inaugural year. It was clumsy and inconsistent, but we’ve improved with time. If I could receive only one present this holiday season, it would be for the continued success of our humble little website…

…Or for the Vancouver Canucks to trade goalie Roberto Luongo to the Wings for a couple of bad contracts and a bucket of used pucks. Forget the website and all the readers, I’ll take the uber-goalie.

Um, forget I said that. Continue to check in regularly. We love you.

I hope all of you have a safe holiday season, so go and enjoy your happy ChristmaHanuKwanzikuh or whatever.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klqBbo8z6y0[/youtube]

Posted in Canon Fodder, Jeffrey Petts | 1 Comment »

Gambler’s Corner: Week 16

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

By Joe Moskwa

So while I was 7-9 for the week (at this point, I should start REVERSING my picks after I make them), including 2-3 on PREFERRED picks (I did NAIL that Lions game, didn’t I?), I was 1-0 on drinking predictions. (I’ll elaborate). The one thing I DID get right was predicting a round of yager-bombs on me as Adrian high-stepped into the end zone. I ordered a round for the whole bar, so the bartender chick tells me it’ll be a few to get that all ready, so about 10 minutes later they line them up all along the bar. Everyone has theirs in front of them, and JUST as we’re about to drink them, Peterson does that little video-game dance into the end zone. It was the highlight of the night.

Before I get to the picks, I will make one more attempt to save face. I’m going to leave most of the games un-picked, and pick a couple LOCKS (games I’d just about bet my old Priest Holmes jersey on) or PARLAY. The reason being? Most of these games mean NOTHING, and there’s no way to pinpoint what kind of motivation some of these clubs will have. I’d honestly let Edward Scissorhands give me a backrub before I watch a few of this week’s match-ups. Tip of the week: gamble on slot machines rather than football this Sunday if you have the itch.

Onto the picks…

MY PARLAY OF THE WEEK! (I would need to go 2-0 to win)

GAME 1:

Saturday Dallas Cowboys (12-2) at Carolina Panthers (6-8) – Black Cats getting 11.5

Thanks, Dallas. I talk about you guys making the Super Bowl and you score 6 points at home. I’m expecting you to bounce back now. The Panthers are playing for nothing, and Dallas is close to wrapping up a home game for the NFC title. I’m gonna take the ‘Boys in a blowout. Even though I don’t even know what STATE they’re playing in. PICK: Dallas giving all those points, –11.5

GAME 2:

Sunday Oakland Raiders (4-10) at Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4) – Black, blue and silver getting 14.5

They might be boring to watch, but DANG! 10-4 with the hardest schedule in the NFL? The Colts couldn’t smoke the Raiders, but the Jags will. The Jokeland Raiders should just stay home.

PICK: Jags giving even more points, –14.5

So that’s my parlay. Dallas and Jacksonville.

Now here are my “LOCKS” or I suppose my “PREFERRED”. These are the games that I feel confident that I’d finish with a winning record.

Kansas City Chiefs (4-10) at Detroit Lions (6-8) – Chefs getting 4.5

The Chiefs just look like they’re not even trying. It’s sad. I was hoping to check out Larry Johnson and/or Priest Holmes, but that ain’t happenin’ now. As for the Lions? Their slide is just as impressive. But not sad like the Chiefs. More like comical or typical. Too little too late for the Lions this Sunday, as they win by 7. PICK: MotorCity kitties giving the points –4.5

New York Jets (3-11) at Tennessee Titans (8-6) – Titans by 2.5

This one almost made it into the parlay. I haven’t a doubt in my head that Tennessee takes this one by at least a field goal.

PICK: Tennessee –2.5

Miami Dolphins (1-13) at New England Patriots (14-0) – Dolphins getting 22.5

Dear Dolphins: Why couldn’t you guys lose last week so we could get to watch your last two games of the season? You ruined it. Luckily, we’ll still tune in for this one just to watch you guys lose by about 40. I hope you’re content with your ONE win.

PICK: Pats giving an obscene amount of points, –22.5

A game to avoid:

Monday Night Football Denver Broncos (6-8) at San Diego Chargers (9-5) – Bolts by 8.5

The writing says to take the Chargers at home on Monday night, to run their record up to 10-5. Broncos have been VERY unimpressive. Chargers are HOT. However, it’d be just like Coach Shanahan to pull some 7th-string RB out of his hat and somehow win the upset. So, no thanks. (TIP: avoid the Broncos when betting or playing fantasy, NO EXCEPTIONS).

I’ll wrap this up with a Christmas touch. Here are the 10 teams that I would send a bag of coal to, if I were the NFL’s Santa Claus.

Carolina Panthers. I don’t know who your quarterback is. I couldn’t name your running back. You have ONE wide receiver. I still have no clue what state you guys play in. Plus, the inconsistency reeks. Coal for you.

New Orleans Saints. You’re up and down every week. You give us nothing to rely on, no predictability. You lose to the 0-8 Rams, knocking me out of a suicide pools. And to top it off, the Brees-Colston combo makes it to the Fantasy Championship in both of my leagues, leaving me in the dust. Coal for you.

Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49ers. So the bay area gets TWO teams, and they combine for a total of eight wins. What, ONE of you can’t have a decent season? The Joe Montana free-pass is gonna last a WHILE for the Niners, and as for the Raiders, well actually their fans – Guys, those costumes you wear… get a LIFE!! Coal for you.

Cincinnati Bengals. Way to mail it in about a month ago, guys. Carson, Chad, Rudi, and Hoosh = 10-20 points a game? Your grade: F. Coal for you.

Chicago Bears. Congratulations! You’re about 8 months away from starting a NON-sucking season. (Assuming you’ll follow the Suck-win-suck-win trend you’ve been setting). You guys were in the Super Bowl last year, and this is what you bring? C’mon. Coal.

Miami Dolphins. I can’t believe you guys blew the perfect season. You were SO close. I was looking forward to the Bengals-Dolphins game next week. Coal for you.

Baltimore Ravens. Uh oh! Solid defense + subpar offense = winning team. Subpar offense + a dwindling aging defense = the mess we’ve been treated to this year. That defense you carried for all these years gave your offense SO much time to improve, and it’s still right where it was five years ago. Not good guys. Not good at all. Coal for you.

Denver Broncos. I still… haven’t… figured out… what you guys are doing. Ever. I just don’t get it. Always overrated, yet annoyingly unpredictable. Coal for you. Detroit Lions. Well it’s not like they SURPRISED anyone with their skid. Well, knowing Lions fans, they’re all probably sitting around complaining like they really WERE shocked. I’ll spare the Lions the coal this year, and just give it to their fans instead. Why? Because they’re the ones I’ll have to listen to at all the upcoming holiday parties. They seriously sound like it’s some kind of breaking news that they “need to change this” or “need to trade this guy” or “need to fire Millen”. It doesn’t matter. It is what it is, like the sky being blue. Coal to the Lions fans because you sound like morons while I’m just trying to zone-out on the couch.

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