Canon Fodder – Sports Blog

By Craig Dumas

Though I typically prattle on about hunting, a recent article by Joe prompted me to take some time out to pay respects to my children and what they say and do. Along with that goes what you say and do to them in return. Joe briefly touched on telling them some things to pacify them so I wanted to expand on the time-honored tradition of parent fibbing.

I think it all starts when they reach the age of five – maybe earlier for a few depending on how “precocious” they are. I would like to think this fibbing goes without saying and is a pre-requisite to all new and existing parents, growing stronger with the number of children you have and their maturity. So basically, the older they get, the more elaborate the lie.

My son, Jack, has the worst tendency to ask so many questions that it drives me insane. He’s six now and thinks he knows it all. Now that he can read, it’s a question about what everything means, does, sells, and operates. It’s starting to get hard coming up with excuses or fibs to satisfy his curiosities. Whatever comes to the top of my head is what he gets. A Chia Pet commercial comes on and guess what? “How does it do that? Where do the seeds go? How do they get to grow? Why do you need to soak the pot first?” He’s like a four-foot tall question machine gun. The seeds just disappear and the darkness makes the plant grow. Two minutes later it’s, “Where are you going?” Taking the mail to the box. “Who’s it for?” A friend of mine. Sometimes the questions are in a barrage and require a double-barreled response. “What’s his name? Where does he live? Does he live by us? How many days until he gets the letter?” His name is the ‘boogeyman’, he lives under your bed, and he’ll get the letter after dark when he drags himself out of the pond.

The Clapper is a good one. “Why does it do that? How can the old woman turn off the light from bed? Does it work the other way? Does she die if they don’t go back on?” Yes, she dies because she doesn’t get enough exercise getting out of bed to shut off the light.

One of my favorites is when he sees or hears of something or someone that has no teeth, or a dentures commercial, I tell him, “that’s what happens when you don’t brush your teeth.” (There are those things that we tell our kids like, “If you keep wiping your nose like that, it’s going to stay there,” and, “If you swallow those seeds, watermelon will grow in your stomach.”)

What annoys me the most is his inability to speak softly at stores about other people. “Did you see that girl? She had blue hair.” “That guy back there is pretty fat. He jiggles like Jell-O when he walks.” “Did you see that big mole on her face?” “That guy has a funny voice.”

He is hugely into Star Wars right now and can’t understand how there weren’t six movies back when I was a kid (let alone why I didn’t have DVD’s or cable as a kid. “How many channels did you have as a kid?” Seven.) “Did you know Anakin when you were a kid? Did you know Obi Wan Kenobi as a kid? Did Obi Wan have a beard when he was little? Was Jabba the Hutt not as fat when you were little? Where was Darth Vader when you were little?” And Oh My God, the questions about the ‘Force’ are never ending. “How do you get it? Is it like a disease? Can they do anything with it? Can we buy it at the store? Does it make them as strong as Spiderman and the Hulk? Is it something you can buy at Wal-Mart?” I checked with the manager last time we were there. Wal-Mart was fresh out of the ‘Force’. Then he’ll pause for a second to contemplate my answer before asking, “How come the Emperor, Darth Sidious, and the Chancellor Palpatine are all the same person?”

Jack is very intuitive to say the least. (My wife and I both feel he is too smart for his own good and will be bored when attending first grade. Plus, he has kind of a photographic memory so words and other things come up easily when repeated or seen). He has seen all the movies so many times not only does he narrate them to me and my wife, but can mime the lines as they come up and asks, “Did I sound like him?” This is a trick question because if you tell him ‘no’, he’ll continue practicing. On the other hand, if you say ‘yes’, Jack will choose to show off his new talent for the rest of the movie. Threats are your only recourse. Don’t make me turn this off.

Since his mind is soooo busy we needed to keep him occupied or active during the non-school season, last year I had the pleasure of signing him up for t-ball. I thought I would be able to sit back and relax for while but no, not this hard headed ball freak. None of the other parents offered to help the coach since he lost his assistant (and showed little interest other than when we could go home) so I offered to help out until he was replaced but turned into a full-time job with a request to return this coming season. And since I had 20 years under my belt in softball, he thought it only fit that I stay on. With that said, trying to explain the game of baseball to a bunch of five and six year olds is like pulling teeth. Catching and throwing is not too terribly hard because it comes with time and practice. “Why do you have to step, point and throw? Why can’t I just sit and throw?” The professionals won’t let you sit on first base to catch and throw. “Why can’t I sit on the bench and throw from there?” You don’t make millions sitting on the bench. “What are millions? Is that how fast the Millenium Falcon goes?”

Double plays are the bane of my coaching existence. Since most practices were stopping the ball and throwing to first you can see the impending confusion. “I thought you said to throw it to first.” Yes but now we are doing two bases at a time. “What’s a base again? You mean the rebel base on Star Wars?” Catch the ball, tag the base and throw it to first. Not hard to comprehend but then think of a six year old. “Dad, can you hold all these rocks until we get home?” Stop picking up rocks and pay attention to the game. “I need to kick up as much dust as I can so we can fog the field and hide from the enemy.” We don’t need to do that now, just catch the ball and throw it home. “I thought you said throw it to first.”

If you are thinking of having kids this is just a little taste of what’s coming and if you already have kids, you know what to expect already and are in the same boat as myself. It’s just a never-ending circle of encouragement, learning, and enthusiastic creative tale telling. If you’re lucky and blessed, your children will be smarter, quicker thinking, and progressively challenged in life making the right decisions and taking care of you. And if they give you a hard time in your latter years, just tell them the truth about how rotten they were as kids. There’s no use lying to ‘em at that point.

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