Canon Fodder – Sports Blog

It’s Sunday afternoon and the family has already logged a busy morning at the zoo. We’re home. The kid is napping. The wife is too. Time for a little Tiger baseball as they play a late afternoon game against the Seattle Mariners. Yippee skippy!

3:58 – I’m fortunate enough to have dodged the dreaded pre-game show. Baseball is a slow enough sport to make pre-game shows superfluous. If the announcers can’t tell me whatever back story necessary in the three hours we’ll be sharing, well, then it probably wasn’t that important to begin with.

4:01 – The FSN Detroit feed of the game with Mario Impemba and Rod Allen bringing us the action. It’s the fourth game of the series with the Tigers needing a win to get the split.

Justin Verlander is on the mound for Detroit. Seattle counters with former-Tiger Jeff Weaver, the same Weaver that carved-up the Tigers in October during the World Series.

4:07 – I’m already feeling groggy. Maybe the zoo took a little more out of me than I had originally thought.

4:10 – First pitch from Weaver is a ball. The second pitch was popped into centerfield for a single by Granderson. There’s the type of pitching Seattle has come to expect from Weaver.

4:11 – Thames grounds into a double play.

4:13 – Gary “Mr. Controversy” Sheffield pops out. Bring on Verlander.

4:15 – Ichiro is 1-for-12 since landing his big $90 million contract. (As fast as I could type that, he slapped a single down the third base line. Looks like I’m not getting a no-hitter today.)

Ivan Rodriguez has the day off (and considering Pudge has a suspension looming, I’m surprised he’s not serving it today). With a rookie behind the plate and a double play magnet like Jose Vidro batting, I expect Ichiro to be on the move.

4:19 – One weakness of Tiger pitchers this year has been high pitch counts. Vidro battled and eventually punched a single between first and second. Men on the corners with no outs.

4:22 – If a laptop wasn’t resting on me, I would probably be unconscious already.

4:23 – 99-mph heat in the dirt… and through the catcher’s wickets. Ichiro scores from third and the batter advanced to first on ball four. First and second, no outs, 1-0 Seattle.

I watch a lot of games on the MLB Extra Innings package and I’ve come to notice the less talent on the field, the more likely the cameramen are to find “talent” in the stands. Got a couple of blonde bimbos sharing one of those giant frozen daiquiris? A Kansas City cameraman will eyeing them. Prefer your ladies a bit more on the mature side? Check out the Tampa Bay Rays feed. “What’s up, silver fox?”

4:27 – Verlander just topped 100-mph and got his second strikeout. Unfortunately, he’s flirting with a 30-pitch count. Three Ks on 30 pitches.

4:32 – Mario Impemba keeps mentioning the lousy numbers each Tiger has put up in this series. I’m convinced this is all an attempt to change the luck of the hitters much the way they might bring up a shutout or no-hitter repeatedly to jinx an opponent.

4:36 – If I put down the computer for just a little while and rested my eyes…
(I put down the laptop for no more than fifteen seconds when the phone rang. So much for catching a catnap.)

4:40 – One advantage to watching out-of-town feeds: better commercials. My favorites are the Jack in the Box commercials from the west coast games. Just fun stuff all around.

4:45 – Second and third with one out in the bottom of the second and Ichiro at the plate. Verlander is struggling mightly.
Groundout to the right side and an RBI for Ichiro. 2-0 Seattle.
The Japanese speed-eater is doing Coors Light commercials? Really? How many times did he have to practice saying “Coors Light” so his accent wouldn’t ruin the moment? (It came through anyway making it the best part of the whole commercial.)

4:53 – Sleepy again. A couple of cats are dozing at my feet. It’s like they suck the life directly from you.

4:54 – The train passes through the backside of Safeco Field. The whistle is loud. Jarring. It’s as if everyone is conspiring at once to make me tired and yet deny me rest.

4:56 – Grandy candy as Curtis Granderson laces a two-out single to centerfield. Fifty-four extra-base hits so far for the young centerfielder. And then he steals second and scores on a single to left. 2-1 Seattle. Credit Granderson for getting on base, into scoring position and hustling home on the hit. The Tigers can expect to pay dearly when it comes time to extend Grandy’s contract.

5:02 – Sheffield pokes a single and Marcus Thames scoots over to third.

5:04 – Jeff Weaver versus the MLB leader with runners in scoring position, Magglio Ordonez. Seattle fans can already taste the bile in their throats.

5:08 – A long at-bat ends in a walk. Bases loaded for former-Mariner Carlos Guillen.

5:11 – Flyout to Ichiro in center. Weaver wiggles off the hook and Seattle fans collectively exhale.

5:15 – Seattle goes down 1-2-3. Looks like Verly is back on track and Weaver is headed back to the mound after an all-too-brief rest. Bring on the antacids for those attending the game.

5:17 – Another train.

5:18 – A four-pitch walk to Sean Casey. Weaver is up to sixty-six pitches in the fourth.

I can’t believe I witnessed it. Maybe the only thing rarer than a no-hitter is the Sean Casey stolen base. The guy who runs like he’s carrying a piano on his back just swiped second. The Mariner catcher is in disbelief. Rod Allen is guffawing quite audibly.

5:21 – Weaver plunks the batter. Men on first and second with no outs. Rolaids and Tums are making their rounds in the stands.

5:27 – Living on borrowed time, Weaver fools Brandon Inge on a fastball and induces a flyout from Omar Infante.

5:28 – Granderson smokes a two-out double scoring peg-legged Casey. Game tied at two apiece.

5:30 – Marcus Thames hits a BOMB to left. 5-2 Detroit. On the replay, the catcher’s target was at least eight inches lower than where the ball ended up.

5:31 – Sheffield doubles to the left-center gap. Even with mouthfuls of antacids, Seattle fans are still managing to boo.

5:32 – A Magglio groundout ends the inning. I give Weaver a one-in-five chance of coming back out for the fifth. If Verlander works quickly, the Tigers could be a stranglehold on the game if the Mariners can’t warm-up a reliever in time.

5:36 – Another quick 1-2-3 inning for Verlander. There’s no way Weaver survives the next inning.

5:39 – By my rough calculations, Weaver has been pitching for roughly 40 of the last 50 minutes. With an 88-pitch count, Weaver is desperate for a quick inning. A single by Sean “The Gazelle” Casey spoils that.

5:43 – Action in the Mariner bullpen.

5:45 – Brandon Inge struckout again? No way. 5-2 Detroit heading into the bottom of the fifth. Weaver survives but he’s flirting with 100 pitches.

5:49 – Verlander just plunked Ichiro on the knee with a 96-mph pitch. Ichiro is a centerpiece on my league-leading fantasy baseball team. I just vomited all over myself.

5:58 – A wild pitch scores and Ichiro hobbles down to second then gets replaced by the Mariners manager. I’m woozy. Verlander gets a strikeout to escape the inning. 5-3 Detroit.

6:00 – Seattle must be desperate to rest their bullpen because they’re running Weaver back out to the mound. Leadoff single to Infante. 3-for-3 Granderson to the plate.

6:04 – Infante to third on a passed ball. Full count on Granderson. A walk and a call to the bullpen. Weaver is out of the game after 112 pitches, leaving men on the corners and no outs. Go ahead and pencil-in his name as the losing pitcher.

6:07 – Long day at the zoo or not, my little girl is still napping. I’m afraid to wake her (and effectively torpedo my writing efforts) but if I don’t, she’ll never get to sleep tonight.

6:14 – Two runs have scored – the second on an Ordonez sac fly – but I’ve got a nineteen-month old sidekick in need of a new diaper and my laptop is the most fascinating object in a room chock full of toys.

6:22 – 8-3 Detroit and I don’t know how. Mario said Sheffield stole home. (I’m glad I didn’t miss anything important as I was making dinner plans while my wife was watering the garden. It’s not as though I’ve spent the last two hours doing anything.)

Moral of the story: Don’t ever get married. Ever.

6:25 – Bottom of the sixth and Verlander just lobbed a vicious breaking ball for a strikeout. Considering how badly he struggled in the first inning, Verly looks like he might be able to go the distance. At the very least, it will be the slop relievers mopping up this mess before the Tigers head to the airport and the twin cities.

6:28 – Headed to the seventh. Now I’m not only trying to keep this article moving forward, I’m also going to attempt cooking dinner on the grill outside. (I’ll effectively do neither.)

6:35 – The grill is warming. Infante just popped a dinger. Granderson strikes out. 9-3 Detroit at the stretch.

6:43 – Here’s a little tidbit for those of you unaccustomed to cooking for a family. Need a sidedish in a hurry? Keep your pantry stocked with those 10-minute rice dishes, a couple cans of chicken broth and a freezer with a few bags of frozen vegetables. Tonight my family will be dining on grilled brats and chicken sesame rice with a bit of diced onion and okra. (That’s right, daddy rolls with okra and boxed foods. I’m the male version of Sandra Lee. My next article will include tips on how to improve all your window treatments around the house.) 9-4 heading into the eighth. Verlander’s probably not coming back for the bottom of the inning, a victim of too many pitches thrown early in the game.

6:53 – Magglio Ordonez clubs a two-run homer. 11-4 Detroit. I think the players on both the Tiger and Mariner rosters agree with me; let’s just go through the motions and get this one wrapped up.

7:00 – Five, maybe ten minutes until dinner. Verlander is out of the game. Bring on the bullpen fodder. I’m sure manager Jim Leyland instructed them to throw strikes and the Mariner manager has instructed his players to swing away. One way or another, this game is going to end.
And soon.

7:01 – 11-4 Tigers through eight.

7:09 – Even the home plate umpire wants to go home. He called a strike on a pitch above the letters on Granderson. Grandy ends his day 3-for-5 with a walk. Not bad.

7:18 – Two on, no out. C’mon, let’s call it a day already.

7:21 – Sac fly to make it 11-5 with two outs.

7:21:30 – Jose Guillen moonshot a ball to the upper deck in left. 11-7.

7:23 – Error by Infante at second. The game continues.

7:25 – Brandon Inge made what has to be his fifth or sixth great defensive play of the series to rob a Mariner of a basehit. Game over. Five steals and three homeruns for the visitors was the difference. Bring on the Twinkies.

Three hours and fifteen minutes for a game that felt a lot longer. My family has been eating without daddy and my lovely wife is beginning showing some frustration. Not everyone is a fan of Canon Fodder, even in my own house. For what began as a lazy afternoon has ended up being a test my prowess as a writer and a parent. And as a bonus, I get to head to my 9-to-5 tomorrow and plough through another monotonous week. Yippee.

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