By Joe Moskwa
Thank GOD. I still feel high from this year’s Super Bowl, and I’m not even New York Giants fan or from New York, New Jersey and everywhere else claiming the Giants as their own. With that being said, I’m hoping maybe you guys will go away now. Yes, New England Patriots, I’m a talking about YOU. Would you be so kind as to disappear now?
Any while you’re at it, could you take your bandwagon bunch with you? I’m not talking about your fans that live in Boston; I’m talking about your fans that don’t even realize you guys play in Massachusetts. The ones that live in my city! There’s only a couple of groups that get under my skin MORE than these never-even-been-to-Boston / Tom-Brady-is-so-hot “fansâ€. One is that “armband tattoo†guy. The other? “Texas Hold ‘em†guy! This is the guy that invites you over for a poker party, and when you arrive, you find out that it’s only Texas Hold ‘em. Because that’s what they play on TV. So that’s the only game the whole world can play now. Forget 5-card draw, blind baseball, 3-card guts, Omaha, Low-Chicago, High-Chicago, etc…
And do you really need to wear sunglasses? Dude, we’re just playing CARDS. In your basement. Oh sorry, I mean your mom’s basement.
A statement you will never hear me utter: “Hey, check out my new tattoo. Yeah, it’s on my bicep. It goes all the way around. Hang on, let me roll up my Brady jersey. Yup, you’re right, it’s barbed wire! Awesome huh? Okay let’s deal ‘em up. I’m practicing to get into one of those ESPN tournamentsâ€.
(There are some dudes out there that would probably like to strangle me now. Not to worry though, the “dudes†that I just stereotyped are not smart enough to read let alone find me.)
Wow. I didn’t realize I had that much to say about “Hold ‘em†guy. However, I have more to say about the NFL runners up. Stay with me though because some of you should be able to relate.
I’ll start with the root of the problem. It all starts here, with Coach Belichick. Coach Belichick designed a methodical, impressive, and almost unstoppable NFL-version of the “spread†offense. It moves the ball well, controls the clock, uses short passes like runs, and frustrates opposing defenses.
Downside? IT’S SO BORING TO WATCH!
C’mon guys, you have to admit it. Most of us want to see someone like LaDainian or Adrian Peterson juke a defender out of his shoes. Or maybe see a wide receiver catch a ball with his head? I’d take that any day over watching a group of second-stringers spread all over the field. Jabar Gaffney. Wes Welker. Kevin Faulk. Put them back in their old situations and they’ll go back to doing nothing again. Deion Branch, David Patten, Damien Woody and Cory Dillon left the Pats. How are they doing now? Are they even still in the league?
My point? It’s the system. Belichick is the best offensive playbook designer out there. He wins. That’s his job. Not his fault that a Texas Hold ‘em tourney is just as exciting.
But if boredom were the only reason I’d like to see the Pats scram, I wouldn’t be writing this. There are other factors. Take the players for instance. Don’t we want to LIKE these guys we’re watching? Doesn’t flair, charisma, and personality help a bit? These are things that the Pats just don’t have, and that’s another reason why they’re just not working for me. I don’t understand the appeal. Take a look at some of the other teams that have ran off championships like the Pats have. The Bulls had Michael Jordan. The Lakers had Magic. (His NAME was “Magicâ€. What else can you say?) The Broncos had Terrell Davis. Lakers had another – Shaq. Cowboys had Emmitt and Irvin. Niners had Rice. And Joe Cool. (Another one with the name. Names like “Magic†and “Coolâ€, how do you compete with that?). Even our newest champ, Michael Strahan, has more personality in his baby finger that the whole Pats team combined.
There’s something these guys all had in common. They were liked, even loved, by most everybody. Now I’m sure there were exceptions, but it’s true. How many commercials have the above been in, collectively? A hundred? More? Probably. Look at Peyton Manning. The dude’s in EVERY commercial. And he only has one ring. Brady? Sure he got the Visa one with his linemen right after they won their first title, but that’s been it. And if any of the Pats WERE to get another commercial, what would they be endorsing? “Cheaties†cereal? Night-vision spy goggles? Cellular phone interceptors? Pinhole video cameras? “Choke chains� Condoms that generate perfect results – 99% of the time?
I compare the lack of Pats commercials and boringness of their players to something I like to call the “Dinner Factorâ€. This is something I use to help people decide on who to be a fan of. It’s easy. It’s basically a “who-would-you-rather-have-dinner-with†hypothetical game. The rules are easy. Number one: WOULD you have dinner with this person. Number two: If you had to choose between TWO people, who would you pick? Last rule: No choosing someone just because they have a nice butt-chin and maybe it’ll lead to marriage. (Sorry Tom, I just took away all your dinners.)
I’ll demonstrate (quickly and shortly) how the game works. Okay, would you have dinner with Peyton Manning? Of course you would. Okay, Peyton or Tom Brady? Shaq or Brady? Shaq or Randy Moss? Joe Montana or Tom Brady? Bill Belichick or Bill… Parcells? Emmitt Smith or Kevin Faulk? Jerome Bettis or Cory Dillon?
Go ahead. Make some up yourself. Take any champ who’s not a Pat, and compare them to a Pat. The Patriot will not win. (Unless you’re from New England.) To take it a step further, look at Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith when they were on “Dancing With the Starsâ€. C’mon, America ate it up. They DROOLED over these two. They got votes just because of who they were. And they deserved it. These two could run for president and probably win. If Deion Branch got on the show in a few years? Yeah, good luck.
It’s kind of how folks talk about the 2004 Detroit Pistons. They don’t have the commercials, not a lot of spark and flair, and they play more of a monotonous / robotic “team†type of system.
A couple more things the ‘04 Pistons don’t have: Smugness and dirty closets. Two things that are very unattractive. Think about the smugness part. Who likes smug? I personally interview 50 job candidates a week and I actually have a “smug factor†in all of my grades. It’s not a likeable trait.
But it’s a trait the Pats have. They’re short with the media. They don’t smile. They post things on the injury report like TOM BRADY QUESTIONABLE WITH A HIGH ANKLE SPRAIN. They throw 35-yard touchdown passes with 3 minutes left in a game while being up by 28. C’mon, that’s all smugness and cockiness. Just cut it out guys.
Lastly? The dirty closets. Do I really need to hear about how they taped the Rams walkthrough in 2002? How they stole signals? Do I want to keep hearing about Spygate? I certainly don’t.
I just want it all to go away. The robots that drive up and down the field while putting me to sleep. The bandwagoners that love Brady because “he went to Michiganâ€. The bad press conferences. The smugness. The Spygate talk. Will it ever end? I’m hoping it will. I’m betting you do too.