By Jeffrey Petts
If Las Vegas is known for one thing, it’s gaming. Blackjack. Craps. Poker. Slots. Games, games, games. Now there’s a new game on the Strip.
Have you been to Vegas lately? It’s been different each of the three times I’ve spent time there. Some casinos have disappeared with new ones appearing in their place. Whole city blocks have been wiped out to make way for another cutting-edge gambling Mecca.
But you won’t find this new game on the crowded casino floors of these epic gambling halls. Though cards are dealt, it won’t be via busty Hooters eye candy. You can wait around for a free drink, but you’ll be competing with winos for the libation. And don’t even bother looking for the buffet because they aren’t found out on the Strip.
But there are scantily-clad dealers, free booze and buffets all up and down the Strip, you say.
True, but this game isn’t played in any casino. It’s played outside on the Strip.
Is it some sort of back alley dice/card game?
Nope. It’s safe and right out in the open, and your dealers aren’t even looking for a gratuity.
So tell us about this new game.
Say you’re a group of ten guys (sans wives and children) stomping up and down the Strip with half-empty beers (in the never-ending search for the next alcoholic beverage) and your competitive juices are flowing. (You know, because you’re a guy.) Playing at the tables is fun, but what about the valuable gambling time lost when moving from one casino to another? What can an overly competitive, drunken male do to stay sharp? And if there’s a way to work pornography into the equation, all the better. Out of this was the Call Girl game born.
If you’ve been to Vegas and walked the Strip, you’re familiar with the grubby bystanders handing out the business cards with pictures of attractive women and a phone number. If you have a major credit card and a phone, calling the number listed can deliver a woman to your hotel room within the hour.
This game involves hookers?
Sorta, but not really. You don’t actually solicit the services of these ladies of the night; you just collect their calling cards. Rather than ignore the dingy, dirty men dumping these pornographic advertisements upon the wandering public, make a game of collecting their bounty. The cards end up taking on a whole new meaning outside of that for which they were intended. And besides, collecting them is better than littering so it’s like you’re doing your part to help the environment. (At least, that’s what I keep telling the wife.)
Here’s how you play…
Whenever you are out and about on the Strip, keep an eye out for the guys handing out the cards. As you walk by, accept whatever they pass you. These guys tend to work in groups of three or four so be sure to slow your pace enough to get cards from each of them. It’s in your best interest to collect as many cards as possible so you can build your ultimate call girl deck.
Why would anyone want to play this game?
Did you miss the paragraph about guys, competitiveness and pornography? Trust me when I state that a group of ten guys will inevitably lead to five or six players. They can’t help themselves.
Fine, you collect hooker calling cards. That’s not much of a game.
Well, collecting is only the first step. There are a few objectives to this game. In the quest to build the ultimate call girl deck, you have to obey a few rules and attempt to achieve a benchmark or two.
The ultimate deck would consist of twenty-seven cards – one card for each letter of the alphabet, and a final “wild card†selection. The first letter of the girl’s name determines its place in the alphabet. “Amber†for A, “Bobbi†for B, and so on.
What are the chances of finding a prostie with a Q-, X- or Z-name?
Not likely at all. Why do you think those letters score so well in Scrabble? If you can use them, they’re worth more than common letters.
Upon returning to your hotel room at the end of each day, you’ll find your call girl prospect pile will be impressive. Divvy the divas up into their respective piles and hope you’ve found the magic letters to complete your alphabet of smut.
Collect cards. Make an alphabet soup of porn. Big deal.
There’s more. Now that you’ve got a pile of cards, choose your “best†one to represent each letter. You’ll have a dozen M’s and twenty S’s, but only one can make the cut. What makes a card better than the rest? “Holly & Hanna†is like a double H score. “Storm†boasts a price of $150. The overall “price†is just one of the factors involved in judging a winning call girl deck. When assembling a deck, one should treat it like a liberal college campus by sprinkling it with plenty of “diversityâ€. Twenty-seven carbon copy blondes will get old quickly. (Even Playboy throws in a few brunettes and redheads in an attempt to prove ol’ Hef isn’t fixated on surgically enhanced Amazon women.)
The final “wild card†is your choice. After leafing through a few hundred cards, one or two will probably draw your attention (and, possibly, even a late night phone call). Whatever the reason, the wild card is a sort of tiebreaker. Maybe it involves two girls performing an inappropriate act. Maybe the model looks like your high school sweetheart or your buddy’s daughter. Maybe it’s just a flavor that you have a fond taste for. It’s your special choice to round out the deck.
So what are the rules?
Easy.
After a couple of days of deck building, assemble all the players to present their respective treasure troves of smut. You will require an impartial judge. It’s best to determine this person before the game begins for the purpose of rule clarification. It’s also wise to have the prize selected. Whether it’s $20 from each participant or a free dinner on the final night of the trip, having something to play for adds a bit of spice to the game. (I mean it is LAS VEGAS after all.)
When it comes time to judge the decks, use the following scoring system:
At this point, there may be one competitor pulling away from the pack. Now come the random categories. The next phase of the game takes a little imagination and can get as inappropriate as your group deems fit.
Female Buffet – One of the best aspects of Vegas is the quality of its buffets. A properly constructed Call Girl deck should also reflect a smorgasbord of flavors. Randomly select an ethnicity or hair color. Add a point for each card with an example of your selected “flavorâ€.
Mystery Body Part – Randomly select a favorite portion of the female anatomy: left breast, right breast, backside, “nether†region… Add a point for each card that clearly displays the chosen part.
Fetish Fun – Does your deck have girls that like to play dress up or dominate? There’s points in them there kinks!
Is this game the best way to spend your time in Las Vegas? Not really? Will it make you a better human being? Not a chance. Is it a flimsy excuse to amass a pile of smut? Yup, pretty much.
What can you do with all the remaining cards?
There’s plenty of fun to be had with the leftovers. Try stuffing a few in Gideon’s Bible to bookmark meaningful passages for the room’s next occupant. Or take them home and drop them randomly around the office. What says “fun†more than someone spotting a call girl card on the floor by your boss’s desk? Another cruel trick is to hide them in the pockets of a buddy’s coat. It’s even more enjoyable if you can manage to be around when the wife/girlfriend discovers the hidden prize. See, what happens in Vegas doesn’t have to stay in Vegas!
I know you’ve missed a regular dose of Canon Fodder while I was on vacation. Think of it as the price you as a reader have to pay for me to come up with new and interesting material to ramble about. Be sure to continue visiting Canon Fodder as we’ll be back on a regular writing schedule this week as life returns to normal.