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Quick Hitters

Thursday, March 13th, 2008

By Jeffrey Petts

We haven’t done this is a while. Let’s go back to the well for a quickie.

Bode Miller wins his second World Cup skiing title in four years.
Bode who? Is it 2010 yet? Is this the winter Olympics? No? Well, then America really doesn’t care. Check back with us in a couple years.

Billy Crystal batted leadoff for the Yankees.
I would pitch inside and hard just because this guy lost his ability to hit anything but a softball more than a decade ago.

(And by “softball” I mean he stopped being funny around 1989. Outside of Monsters, Inc, which was aimed at toddlers, ol’ Billy hasn’t produced anything worth watching since When Harry Met Sally, and I give Reiner the credit for that one. Disagree? criticize Daly here but it was Happy Hour and the beer carts run slow on the Bay Hill Club & Lodge. What’s a professional golfer (athlete, HA!) supposed to do?

Joey Harrington gets another NFL contract.
It’s sad when the Atlanta Falcons will do anything to distract fans from the Michael Vick fiasco.

Shelley Duncan doesn’t know why his slide caused a brawl on the field.
Uh, I dunno, Shell. Maybe because nobody has come in with spikes up in the air that obviously since Ty Cobb.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWc77ELoz0M[/youtube]

Alex Ovechkin continues to light up the NHL.
It’s too bad it’s only like me and three other NHL fans that appreciate Alexander the Great’s feats of prowess. Forget kid Crosby, Alex truly is the iceman cometh.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eorWhtV9Aqk[/youtube]

Pundits say the Cubs might be too good to miss the postseason.
Ha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 1996 was the happiest spring of my life. Mind you, I was single, unemployed and broke. Thank the lord for Harry Caray and WGN.

=

I’ve got a beer to finish and a family to attend to. Expect an article from Joe tomorrow. Otherwise, continue to check in on Canon Fodder and our regular contributions from Joe and Craig along with our bevy of guest writers. Tell your family, friends, yada, yada, yada.

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Quick Hitters

Friday, June 15th, 2007

My least-popular gimmick (at least with both of the readers offering feedback) is back to wrap-up the week that was.

The U.S. Open is being held at Oakmont Country Club near Pittsburgh.
Judging from the scores in Round Two, the tough course is forcing players to dig out their irons and play a conservative game. Mickelson’s second round was so poor (+7), he can pretty much put all his clubs away and crack open an Iron. (Iron City Beer, that is.)

Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs completed their championship season by sweeping the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals.
David Stern and the rest of the NBA are making it harder for conspiracy theorists like me to push anti-NBA agendas if they are going to permit far-superior team-oriented squads to crush inferior teams with marquee me-first superstars. One-sided affairs like this might actually add credibility to the league.

Tony Parker won the MVP for his performance in the NBA Finals.
A championship, the MVP and he’s about to marry Eva Longoria; is there anything else for me to hate about this guy?

Oh yeah, he’s French.

In other France-related news, Sopranos creator David Chase was vacationing in France in the days following the HBO series’ finale.
Vacationing or seeking asylum in a country known for embracing fugitives from justice? Considering the way the final episode ended, Chase should be considered a criminal. Not that I’m bitter, but if something unfortunate like being hit by a bus were to befall Chase and I were the only person there with a cell phone, I might be tempted to dial ‘9’, then ‘1’, then… nothing! “How’s this going to end David? Did I dial the last ‘1’? Did I hang up and walk away? Did I choke the life out of you like Tony did Christopher? See, not everyone likes open endings. Some things need finality.” Then I would sing a few bars of “Don’t Stop Believin’” and walk away.

And the bitterness would be gone.

St. Louis pitcher Adam Wainwright gave up one hit through eight innings on Wednesday night against the Kansas City Royals.
On the same day I posted on Canon Fodder about missing Justin Verlander’s no-hitter, Wainwright – a player currently on my fantasy baseball team – carried a no-hitter into the sixth inning. As if to illustrate how the baseball gods are cruelly funny, Wainwright was doing this on a night he was riding the proverbial ‘pine’ on my fantasy team. So there I was, rooting for a pitcher to lose his no-hit bid just so I could be spared the embarrassment of having a player benched when he tossed a no-no. Sometimes I really hate fantasy sports and what it does to rational human beings.

The New York Yankees are on a nine-game win streak.
Though I still believe Clemens will be more sizzle than steak, the Yankees could be a move (Mark Teixeira?) or two (Mark Buehrle?) and be right back in the mix. They might not be worrying in Boston (yet), but I’m sure every member of Red Sox Nation knows seven-and-a-half isn’t a very big lead with six head-to-head games remaining.

The NFL preseason is looming.
I’m just not ready to tackle football season yet. Give me a couple more weeks. (I’m sure all the pigskin-loving members of the fantasy league I run just bit through their lips. Sorry boys and girls, but I’m dominating my fantasy baseball league and the Tigers are contenders. I’m enjoying this while I can.)

NASCAR will be racing at Michigan International Speedway on Sunday.
A few of my friends trek to Brooklyn for this race every Fathers Day. When I asked about the allure of racing, one friend offered up the following: “You show up, drink beer all day and people watch. It’s fun.”

So if I understand this correctly, beer + deafening noise + exhaust fumes = gearhead heaven.

(If that’s the case, it won’t be long until we’ll find empty kegs of Milwaukee’s Best on the side of major expressways along with a slew of passed-out, sunburned rednecks.)

A French tennis player was hit in the genitals with a serve traveling in excess of 100 mph.
Had it been Tony Parker, it would have been karmic justice (it was another wine-drinking cheese-lover), but I laughed anyway.

Enjoying what you’ve read so far? Keep on coming to Canon Fodder and passing it on to friends and family.

Have something regarding the world of sports you’re dying to get off your chest? Drop me an e-mail at jeff@canon-fodder.com.

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Odds and Ends

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

The Detroit Tigers lost to the Toronto Blue Jays on the day they hung the American League Championship banner.

It’s just one loss so there’s nothing to get worked up about but my fantasy baseball team isn’t going to survive very long if my “keeper” shortstop continues to go 0-for-5 as Carlos Guillen did on Opening Day. Just six more months of living and dying with the daily box score. (I love baseball season.)

Rumors are circulating that Pacman Jones might be looking at an extended suspension from the NFL Commissioner’s Office.

Does anyone believe sending Jones home will improve the situation? What’s the saying about idle hands being the devil’s tools?

Brett Favre is still undecided if he will return for the 2007 football season.

My wife knows next to nothing about NFL football. We were watching Favre’s supposed ‘farewell game’ when the wife quipped, “Why’s he still playing? He looks horrible. Didn’t he retire?” If a complete novice can see the writing on the wall, what are the Packers waiting for?

Yankee fans booed Alex Rodriguez during the home opener on Monday afternoon.

A-Rod was the reigning MVP and hit .299/35/121 during what many considered a disappointing year. This is more evidence of my continuing theory that to be a Yankee fan one must not only be lacking a soul but also missing the brain’s frontal lobe.

The San Francisco Giants opened their season with a disappointing 7-0 loss at home to the Padres.

I’m not going to throw Zito under the bus for one lousy start but I’ll bet he wishes the Giants spent some of the money they threw his way on a few younger players to back him up.

It’s the final week of the NHL regular season.

Say goodbye to the exciting wide-open style of play that allows skilled players to separate themselves from those more ordinary. Hello clutch-and-grab ‘old-time hockey’ befitting the lowest common denominator of talent.

Florida got the better of Ohio State to capture the NCAA Men’s basketball championship.

What do you think is the ratio of NBA contracts to college diplomas between these two teams? How about the ratio of diplomas to NCAA recruiting violations?

The Lady Vols won their seventh NCAA Women’s title.

(Trying not to write something snarky.)

(Really, really trying.)

(Who am I kidding?)

Pat Summitt has done another wonderful job of preparing her young women to make the jump from the relative obscurity of NCAA Women’s basketball to complete obscurity in the WNBA.

(Ah, that’s better.)

The ‘Car of Tomorrow’ body design made its NASCAR debut on March 25th to mixed reviews from drivers and racing critics.

I wanted to write something serious about NASCAR’s move towards the safety of its drivers but I couldn’t get beyond an Earnhardt quote from after the race when he used the words, “I reckon.” I should get over my disdain for bad grammar and focus on the sport, I reckon.

The Master’s Tournament is coming up and many are hoping for a showdown between Lefty Mickelson and Tiger Woods.

Aren’t we to the point where any time Tiger doesn’t win, it’s an upset? Even marriage hasn’t derailed this guy. He’s a machine. He’s absolutely unstoppable.

We’ll keep it short and sweet today. Be sure to keep passing on Canon Fodder to anyone with Internet access. If you have a question or comment, shoot it my way at jeffp@canon-fodder.com.

I’ll see you back here tomorrow…I reckon.

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