Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

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Tiger Dads

Friday, February 22nd, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

It’s my turn to write about something on our lovely blog. Football is over, and there’s really not much I gamble on these days, so I think I’ll change it up today.

Let’s go right off the top of my head. Well, more like the INSIDE of my head.

We’ll talk about kids and sports. Just for a bit.

I played a ton of sports when I was a kid. I was actually pretty good at some of them too. I was even set to compete in college – a few of my coaches even gave me some tips on how to eventually get drafted. What I needed to work on, what kind of workouts I’d need to do for strength building in certain areas, etc.

Well, it’s safe to say it didn’t work out because I’m not a household name and on a cereal box. I ended up with a very annoying and nagging injury that still bugs me to this day; something equivalent to a NASCAR driver losing his right foot. But it wasn’t the only reason I’m not still competing. Things just don’t always work out, especially when odds of “making it” are about the same as winning Powerball.

My one complaint? No, it’s not that I don’t play sports anymore. I have a cool job and a great family, which I would never replace. What bothers me the most is that no one who was involved in the situation ever had the guts to say anything like, “Ya’ know, it’s almost impossible to make a career out of sports. Why don’t you just focus more on a real job and stop dreaming like a delusional moron.” I had a cousin try to tell me that, but she never saw me play so I just figured SHE was the moron. I remember being 13, and she was 18, and she said something like, “You’ll probably just end up hurting yourself or just realizing that you’re not that good. Maybe you should try to be more realistic.” Then my other cousin, her sister, who was a little older, told her something along the lines of, “Shut-up, dream crusher.”

Turns out the former cousin knew what she was talking about. Which causes me to wonder if being very realistic and rational is the way to go. Should more of us wise up and tell the others to cut it out?

I have small kids and if they start playing sports, what do I say when they insist that they’ll be a professional golfer? Do I say, “Nope, you’ll probably be a teacher or work some office job.”

Does that sound negative? Is it one of those things you can’t say to a child? Hold on. I golf a lot. I spend time at driving ranges. If I ever have a buddy with me at the range, I say the first person to spot “Tiger Dad” wins 5 bucks. Who is “Tiger Dad”? “http://www.amazon.com/Training-Tiger-Fathers-Raising-Winner/dp/0062701789″>Tiger Dad”, aka TD, is the dad with the 5-year-old son at the range. The son is trying to hit the ball, and the dad is yelling at the kid because he’s not driving it 300 yards down the middle. TD actually will SAY something like, “HOW ARE YOU EVER GOING TO EARN $30 MILLION A YEAR IF YOU CAN’T SWING A CLUB?!” And it’s plain as day the kid would rather be riding his bike. Watch out for TD next time at the range. He’s there EVERY day. Just look for him. I’ve spotted TD at batting cages too. I’ve seen SEVERAL dads actually shouting at their 7-year-olds that can’t even hit a 20 MPH machine-fed pitch. I’ve heard these EXACT words before: “How are you going to be the next A-Rod if you can’t hit???” The kid looked over like, “Who’s A-Rod”? So maybe it’s not so bad to tell your child that you’ll pay for their classes at the community college for a few years, and then they can finish up at a local university. That way, they can get an honest job as “Office-Rod”, not “A-Rod”.

So the big question today is, what do I do? Do I lie? Do I tell the truth?

I’m not talking about those fibs you tell your kids. (“Those dogs are just wrestling,” and, “If you don’t wear your gloves outside your hands will fall off.” My personal favorite is telling my daughter that if she keeps chewing her hair, then hair will grow on her tongue. Then I pull up a picture on Google of a hairy tongue, and show it to her. “THIS GUY CHEWED HIS HAIR.”) I’m talking about telling your kids how the world really works. Or maybe giving them a FEW clues before they hit it themselves. Because I’m still learning every day, and there’s something to be said for experiencing things for the first time that make you say, “Oh, I get it now.” You probably won’t hear me tell them that they’ll play for the Red Wings or the Shock “without a doubt”. Because when they find out Santa was a fib, they’re still kids. But when they find out their guaranteed spot in the Tigers lineup isn’t a guarantee, sometimes they could be 25 years old. Ouch.

I’m looking for advice, but I’m leaning towards a very realistic approach from now on.

Lastly, for the TDs of the world: GET A LIFE! You look like a fool at the cages, man.

Like what you’re reading here at Canon Fodder? Be sure to check in every Friday for more articles from Joe, and throughout the week for material from our other writers on staff. If you like what you see, pass it on to friends and family. Have a question or comment? Have a question or comment? Email us directly at joe@canon-fodder.com.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Joe Moskwa, Rants | No Comments »

Is Anybody Listening? Apparently… Yes.

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

By Craig Dumas

You know what’s got me upset this week? The fact that on April 20th of last year, the state government of Michigan introduced legislation to incrementally increase license fees over the next six years. For instance, residents will go from $15 to $30 for a regular firearm license and senior citizens in deer camp will fork out from $6 up to $24 for the privilege. While ours only doubles, the old timers pay more than 3 times for the same tag as a year ago. Shouldn’t they be expected to pay less out of respect for age and seniority? And to make it worse, they’re raising the prices but, for those in their golden years, they won’t tell you of the senior discount unless you ask. They want you to pay the higher price if you’re none the wiser. It’s public information, but it’s not. Get it?

Why can’t the cost be recouped from the carpetbagging non-residents that come into our state and pilfer our game? Ours is going up by $15 while the out-of-staters is going up 27, $138 to $165. I say tag them for double to compensate for the seniors, juniors, and retirees. (It’s bad enough we share a stateline with them, but do we have to let them have access to our wildlife too?) The state is even beefing up the small game price for juniors from $1 to $10. Is that any sort of encouragement for the next generation of hunters? As far as all the other fees are concerned, I guess they are adjusted accordingly. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not opposed to the increase itself, but the fact the state is doing it over six years. This state is long overdue for a rate adjustment. I just think it would be better absorbed and forgotten if they made the increases effective right away. I believe that if they have a long-term plan for how the funds are divvied, they can create a plan to bank the money (with interest no less) and disperse it more efffectively. Reason being, there will be some people that think it’s unfair and decide they will hunt on their own terms but if you look, we are at a much lower standard than other competitive states and need the increases to pay for the revenue shortfall we are currently facing and the cuts in place now. I mean, the state has even started to close some state parks because the lack of funding has caused poor upkeep and this is what affects me directly since my family devotedly uses these campgrounds for vacation and getaways.

Editor’s note: If anyone had the idea our Grizzly Woodsman was a gun-wielding simpleton, I think the preceding two paragraphs thoroughly put that theory to rest. No, he’s more of an angry-at-the-government, gun-wielding simpleton. But he respects his elders, so Craig’s a little less scary. I’m glad we’ve cleared that up.

So across the board we’ll generally pay more over the next six years when we could just get it over with and make the increase effective immediately. I feel much of the resentment and negative responses would be detoured if done swiftly and effectively. It’s kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid. Do they really want to hear the gripes over the next six years or just hear it for a few months? One quick yank and it’s quickly forgotten. I’m sure the number of tags will go down for a while but the hunters will return gradually just because hunters like to hunt. Meanwhile, those few hunters that don’t purchase licenses will return to hunt sans tag, illegally.

What’s the only reason I see why it might be better for the gradual increase? I don’t think the state government would know what to do with all that money coming in at once. I know what they could do. Bring back the DNR officers they thinned out and make the patrols more effective to control poachers and illegal goings on. That would be a start. What they could do is really focus on when and where the mysterious TB herd is going and quarantine them if possible. They don’t really seem to have a firm handle on how to count and control them. The flying over of an area and getting a head count and averaging it over the counties is farcical. The numbers change every year and they aren’t going down. It just seems to migrate from county to county overlapping on some borders. I, for one, have experienced that every deer taken in our camp has been disease-free and quite healthy. What they could do is set aside some funds to establish new programs for children and young adults to encourage hunting and hunting techniques in the field. What they could do is have controlled baiting regulated by said officers to better the hunting experiences especially for the younger hunters. In the same breath, they are trying to limit our baiting process to control the herd by simply not letting us bait at all. How is this helping the government control the diseased herd? Their answer: Give us unlimited tags (or have in the past) for antlerless deer but don’t let us bait to get them. This logic doesn’t make any sense to me. I guess as long as they can justify it to themselves, it’s ok. They claim the disease is spread via breathing and feeding around the same bait pile. I guess deer don’t breathe when they bed down or do anything else in close proximity. (So how does the DNR believe deer breed? Do they hold their breath while in “the act”?)

You know, as I reminisce on old photos of my uncles and grandparents back in the heyday of a popular sport, I realize that we’re not in the 1950s and ‘60s anymore, when the deer were plentiful, there was no need for baiting, and hunting was much more prosperous. We live in a time where politics and the local governments dictate what, when, and how we hunt. They tell us what times to be out, they tell us when we can bait, and they tell us how much we need to pay the state for wanting to enjoy the outdoors. It almost – almost – hints of Big Brother doesn’t it? I don’t really know when it got so out of hand but it’s gotten to a point that it can, does, and will turn away even the most dedicated and loyal of hunters. I ponder the thought, too often, that I need to be out there to carry on tradition as opposed to just going for the fun and camaraderie. I’m trying hard to carry this tradition forward so my son and daughter can go out to enjoy the same experiences I had, and not be deterred by politics or a government trying to intercede via costs, licenses, and rules. I will, however, forge on so as not to lose touch with nature and the future of my children, no matter what.

Editor’s note: As I was editing Craig’s work and searching the Internet for interesting links to add a bit of color to the dour forecast, I came across an article on the subject of fees. A part of me wanted to send this piece back to Craig with a ‘Sorry, we can’t post it,’ apology. However, after reading his rants about the fees, I thought it was more fitting to post the entire piece. You see, most people would be happy that logic won out in the end. Craig, however, will hardly be satisfied because he wrote this entry a full two months after the raised fees were nixed. Now he’ll read this and probably chew right through his own lip. Why? Because that’s what our Grizzly Woodsman does. Even when he wins, he loses.

And that’s funny all by itself.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Craig Dumas, Hunting, Rants | No Comments »

Un-Patriotic

Friday, February 8th, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

Thank GOD. I still feel high from this year’s Super Bowl, and I’m not even New York Giants fan or from New York, New Jersey and everywhere else claiming the Giants as their own. With that being said, I’m hoping maybe you guys will go away now. Yes, New England Patriots, I’m a talking about YOU. Would you be so kind as to disappear now?

Any while you’re at it, could you take your bandwagon bunch with you? I’m not talking about your fans that live in Boston; I’m talking about your fans that don’t even realize you guys play in Massachusetts. The ones that live in my city! There’s only a couple of groups that get under my skin MORE than these never-even-been-to-Boston / Tom-Brady-is-so-hot “fans”. One is that “armband tattoo” guy. The other? “Texas Hold ‘em” guy! This is the guy that invites you over for a poker party, and when you arrive, you find out that it’s only Texas Hold ‘em. Because that’s what they play on TV. So that’s the only game the whole world can play now. Forget 5-card draw, blind baseball, 3-card guts, Omaha, Low-Chicago, High-Chicago, etc…

And do you really need to wear sunglasses? Dude, we’re just playing CARDS. In your basement. Oh sorry, I mean your mom’s basement.

A statement you will never hear me utter: “Hey, check out my new tattoo. Yeah, it’s on my bicep. It goes all the way around. Hang on, let me roll up my Brady jersey. Yup, you’re right, it’s barbed wire! Awesome huh? Okay let’s deal ‘em up. I’m practicing to get into one of those ESPN tournaments”.

(There are some dudes out there that would probably like to strangle me now. Not to worry though, the “dudes” that I just stereotyped are not smart enough to read let alone find me.)

Wow. I didn’t realize I had that much to say about “Hold ‘em” guy. However, I have more to say about the NFL runners up. Stay with me though because some of you should be able to relate.

I’ll start with the root of the problem. It all starts here, with Coach Belichick. Coach Belichick designed a methodical, impressive, and almost unstoppable NFL-version of the “spread” offense. It moves the ball well, controls the clock, uses short passes like runs, and frustrates opposing defenses.

Downside? IT’S SO BORING TO WATCH!

C’mon guys, you have to admit it. Most of us want to see someone like LaDainian or Adrian Peterson juke a defender out of his shoes. Or maybe see a wide receiver catch a ball with his head? I’d take that any day over watching a group of second-stringers spread all over the field. Jabar Gaffney. Wes Welker. Kevin Faulk. Put them back in their old situations and they’ll go back to doing nothing again. Deion Branch, David Patten, Damien Woody and Cory Dillon left the Pats. How are they doing now? Are they even still in the league?

My point? It’s the system. Belichick is the best offensive playbook designer out there. He wins. That’s his job. Not his fault that a Texas Hold ‘em tourney is just as exciting.

But if boredom were the only reason I’d like to see the Pats scram, I wouldn’t be writing this. There are other factors. Take the players for instance. Don’t we want to LIKE these guys we’re watching? Doesn’t flair, charisma, and personality help a bit? These are things that the Pats just don’t have, and that’s another reason why they’re just not working for me. I don’t understand the appeal. Take a look at some of the other teams that have ran off championships like the Pats have. The Bulls had Michael Jordan. The Lakers had Magic. (His NAME was “Magic”. What else can you say?) The Broncos had Terrell Davis. Lakers had another – Shaq. Cowboys had Emmitt and Irvin. Niners had Rice. And Joe Cool. (Another one with the name. Names like “Magic” and “Cool”, how do you compete with that?). Even our newest champ, Michael Strahan, has more personality in his baby finger that the whole Pats team combined.

There’s something these guys all had in common. They were liked, even loved, by most everybody. Now I’m sure there were exceptions, but it’s true. How many commercials have the above been in, collectively? A hundred? More? Probably. Look at Peyton Manning. The dude’s in EVERY commercial. And he only has one ring. Brady? Sure he got the Visa one with his linemen right after they won their first title, but that’s been it. And if any of the Pats WERE to get another commercial, what would they be endorsing? “Cheaties” cereal? Night-vision spy goggles? Cellular phone interceptors? Pinhole video cameras? “Choke chains”? Condoms that generate perfect results – 99% of the time?

I compare the lack of Pats commercials and boringness of their players to something I like to call the “Dinner Factor”. This is something I use to help people decide on who to be a fan of. It’s easy. It’s basically a “who-would-you-rather-have-dinner-with” hypothetical game. The rules are easy. Number one: WOULD you have dinner with this person. Number two: If you had to choose between TWO people, who would you pick? Last rule: No choosing someone just because they have a nice butt-chin and maybe it’ll lead to marriage. (Sorry Tom, I just took away all your dinners.)

I’ll demonstrate (quickly and shortly) how the game works. Okay, would you have dinner with Peyton Manning? Of course you would. Okay, Peyton or Tom Brady? Shaq or Brady? Shaq or Randy Moss? Joe Montana or Tom Brady? Bill Belichick or Bill… Parcells? Emmitt Smith or Kevin Faulk? Jerome Bettis or Cory Dillon?

Go ahead. Make some up yourself. Take any champ who’s not a Pat, and compare them to a Pat. The Patriot will not win. (Unless you’re from New England.) To take it a step further, look at Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith when they were on “Dancing With the Stars”. C’mon, America ate it up. They DROOLED over these two. They got votes just because of who they were. And they deserved it. These two could run for president and probably win. If Deion Branch got on the show in a few years? Yeah, good luck.

It’s kind of how folks talk about the 2004 Detroit Pistons. They don’t have the commercials, not a lot of spark and flair, and they play more of a monotonous / robotic “team” type of system.

A couple more things the ‘04 Pistons don’t have: Smugness and dirty closets. Two things that are very unattractive. Think about the smugness part. Who likes smug? I personally interview 50 job candidates a week and I actually have a “smug factor” in all of my grades. It’s not a likeable trait.

But it’s a trait the Pats have. They’re short with the media. They don’t smile. They post things on the injury report like TOM BRADY QUESTIONABLE WITH A HIGH ANKLE SPRAIN. They throw 35-yard touchdown passes with 3 minutes left in a game while being up by 28. C’mon, that’s all smugness and cockiness. Just cut it out guys.

Lastly? The dirty closets. Do I really need to hear about how they taped the Rams walkthrough in 2002? How they stole signals? Do I want to keep hearing about Spygate? I certainly don’t.

I just want it all to go away. The robots that drive up and down the field while putting me to sleep. The bandwagoners that love Brady because “he went to Michigan”. The bad press conferences. The smugness. The Spygate talk. Will it ever end? I’m hoping it will. I’m betting you do too.

Posted in Joe Moskwa, NFL, Rants | No Comments »

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