Archive for the ‘Joe Moskwa’ Category

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Batting .500 in The D.

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

I’ve written some things on this site – I’d say maybe ten articles. (Uh, more like almost twenty.) However, I don’t think I’ve mentioned where I’m from. Most of you probably know me personally and, like me, live in and around Detroit. I’ve never revealed this because sometimes I can’t handle the cracks about the “D”. Outsiders I’ve never met will say things like, “Have you ever been shot?” or “Do you live by a crackhouse?” Gimme a break. While I typically roll my eyes at these comments, the REAL conversations I prefer to avoid are those that associate me with the Detroit Lions and Detroit Tigers. I’m born-and-raised in the D, but I’ll just lay it out there now. If you wanna hit me where it hurts, disrespect the Red Wings or Pistons. But if you wanna talk about a waste of space near Greektown or the Elwood, then I’ll get right in there and tell you ALLLL about how the two monuments of disappointment we call Ford Field and Comerica Park stand side-by-side and would be better off if they were sold to other cities. But that’s a conversation for another time.

Okay, I’m sure I’ve upset some Lions fan who still holds onto hope; probably the same guy who sat next to me and drafted Verlander, Sheffield, and Bonderman at my fantasy baseball draft. (How are those picks workin’ out for you, dude?) But the point of today’s article isn’t to annoy Lions and Tigers fans, but to broach another subject that I’m hearing on my favorite local radio shows these days.

I keep hearing about how The Joe isn’t filled to the rafters for playoff games like it used to be. Folks blame the economy. I disagree. I say its because the Red Wings have just torn up the regular season for so long, but have consistently fallen short of a championship in years when the team was an overwhelming favorite. If the Wings make the finals again in ‘08, expect the house to be packed. (I’ve already have my seats lined up.) I recently had the pleasure of spending an afternoon with a player who’s a year or two away from being called up to the Wings. He told me that no one can stop any of those Europeans and Detroiters will be drinking from Lord Stanley’s cup this summer.

As for the Detroit Pistons…

While you can get under my skin by knocking the winged wheel, you can dig a whole lot deeper by downing the red, white, and blue. I’ll be heartbroken (again) if the five-man machine falls to another one- or two-man show, but I’ll stick by ‘em. And if Sid the Kid clips the Wings? Fine. I won’t desert them either. Why? Because we Detroiters are blessed to have two organizations that are well-run. Two outta four ain’t bad. (Ironically, one of the “good” teams and one of the “bad” teams share the same owner. It’s comical to think one organization is considered the Cadillac of their sport, while the other is a bit of a laughingstock.)

Is there a point to today’s ramblings? Well, they are two-fold. Now you know how to get me riled by criticizing our hockey and hoops teams. Secondly, carving up the Lions and Tigers will roll right off my back. What are some of the other teams on my most-hated list? The New York Yankees, New England Patriots, New Jersey Nets, Indianapolis Pacers, Colorado Avalanche, Miami Heat… and most hated of all, Michigan Wolverines football. That’s right, I just put Michigan football on the evil side of the ledger. Eat it Ann Arbor wannabes!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSwusBMkt2A[/youtube]

Go Wings. Go Pistons. Happy 50th Birthday mom! (And happy b-day Steve Yzerman too!)

And can the local radio guys please stop talking about the Tigers’ woes. It’s already old and it’s only the second week of May.

Please continue taking the time to stop by Canon Fodder each week for more sports commentary and humor from our staff of writers. If you like what you’ve read, link it to friends and coworkers.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Joe Moskwa, Rants | No Comments »

More Office Pranks

Friday, April 4th, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

I might have ONE more set in me after you read this list. Yes, I’m still talking about ways to drive your office co-workers into the crazy house. You won’t believe that I’ve done them all, but I have. Enjoy.

Red Dot O’ Fun: Don’t ever start your day at the office without your laser pointer. You know, the one that looks like a little pen. Point and put that little red dot on your boss’s forehead while he’s giving a meeting. The red dot also looks really nice on a female co-worker’s nipple, but looks the greatest on someone’s chin while they’re talking.

Pocket Surprises: Go over to the coat-rack and stuff all the pockets with random office items. Staplers, pens, coffee mugs, markers, Post-it notes… it all works. Heck, one time I was out with friends at a Chinese buffet and dropped a few crawfish heads in a buddy’s coat pocket. Much fun ensued.

Coffee-Mate I: Invest in one of those little plastic squeezable lemons filled with lemon juice. Shoot it into your co-workers’ coffee cups when they’re not looking. “Lemon” coffee does not taste good. Keep the lemon in your desk. Use it often – it can also be squirted on someone’s sandwich or chips. Trust me, a salami-lemon sandwich causes many an entertaining face.

Coffee-Mate II: Replace the sugar for the coffee with salt. Salty coffee tastes worse that lemony coffee. Watch to see if anyone spits their coffee directly onto their keyboard.

Bouquet of Badness: Three words for you: DOLLAR STORE COLOGNE. It’s cheap, it’s available, and it STINKS. Spray it around the office. It sticks to carpet and chairs like glue. Spray it on the coats on the coat-rack. Spray it all over Stan’s desk. Folks will cringe, but it won’t bother you because, much like passing gas, it doesn’t stink that bad if you did it.

E-mail Masquerade: Send e-mails from your co-workers’ desks, to other workers. Wait around until it’s clear… lunchtime when half the place is cleared out, or when all the idiots are smoking. My favorite one to send from Person A to Person B is “Hey, do you think I can borrow 50 bucks until next week?” The greatest reward you’ll get from this is when Person B comes strolling up and drops the cash off for Person A.

Post-it Replies: If there are notes on the vending machines that say things like, “This machine owes Jill Smith one dollar”, take the time to answer them. My favorite note is “That dollar was your tax for eating all the donuts Jill”. Or… “We’re just charging for over-eaters”. If you think this might upset some people, you’re right.

You’ve Got a Visitor: Go to the lobby and quickly call as many people in your office with the lobby phone using a disguised voice. Tell each of them that they have a visitor. My record is calling 12 people in about 30 seconds. Be sure to clear out before people start showing up. I might’ve been drunk the day I did this.

Secret Love: Write a love letter to someone in the office from another worker of the same sex. Drop it in an envelope, seal it, and put it on the receiver’s desk. Better yet, write it from someone else’s computer and leave it on the community printer, then watch the rumors fly.

The Poke Stick: Tape one of those knife-looking letter openers to a yardstick. It’ll look like a bayonet. Poke people with it while they’re on the phone. I must admit, I found my bayonet cracked into about 4 pieces on my desk a couple years ago. I supposed I deserved that.

Working Vacation: When a co-worker is on vacation, and you have their home phone number, change some of the heavier-used speed dials of other workers to the home number of the vacationer. It’ll give them a “still at work” feel so they don’t get lonely.

Micro-Yogurt: Microwave one of the unopened yogurt cups in the fridge. When the top busts open, document how long it took to do that. 25 seconds to break it open. Then, microwave the rest of the yogurt cups for about 20 seconds (just short of explosion). Take them out. They look like nothing happened to them. Put them back in the fridge. They’ll taste GREAT when someone eats them at lunch.

E-mail me at joe@canon-fodder.com if you try any of these. I’d love to hear how they worked for you.

I really do have plenty more office pranks for future articles. It’s kind of scary, if you think about it. Maybe I’ll treat you to some more of my demented office behavior next week. Maybe I’ll try and write something about sports. You never know.

Keep checking in on Canon Fodder. We’ve always got something cooking and it’s anything but yogurt.

Take care.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Joe Moskwa | 1 Comment »

Mother Nature Visits the Office

Friday, March 28th, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

I missed a week. I’m wondering how many of you I disappointed by not giving up the tips last week on how to drive your co-workers insane. You should be ashamed of yourselves for wanting to torture other office folk!

But I’m nothing if not a sap for populist zeal. If you, the reader, have the urge to harass your fellow inmates in the cubicle prison you call work, I won’t be the one to deny you. In fact, I’ll offer instruction on how to do it most effectively.

I’ll start with something simple today. Here’s a list of live animals I’ve actually let loose into an office building full of roughly 300 co-workers. This list is in order of how much fun can be derived from letting nature loose in an office environment.

Sometimes I really scare myself.

A bluegill fish: I left this one swimming in a plugged bathroom sink. People went into the restroom to do their business and were confronted with a washbasin aquarium.

Grasshoppers: Did you know they could get caught in a woman’s long hair? I didn’t. Crickets were much the same except they’re louder. You could hear them throughout the office, but as you got closer to their hidden locations, they would go silent. Fun!

A snake: Forget Snakes on a Plane, garter snake in an office is the ultimate terror.

Editor’s note: I wanted to find a Sam Jackson clip from the movie to plug in here. Unfortunately, most were anything but “office safe” so I’ll treat you to another of my favorite bits involving Jules Winnfield. It doesn’t have anything to do with Joe’s topic, but a three-minute sidebar won’t kill you. Besides, I have it on good authority that Joe and Chris Chelios are tight.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gx0tm8IQf30&feature=related[/youtube]

A mouse: In all honesty, I thought the snake would cause more of a commotion. On thing I did learn is that secretaries absolutely cannot tell the difference between an ordinary mouse and a sewer rat. You would have thought the little guy’s name was Ben or something. It was kinda like this…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrFThZgZ9Nw&feature=related[/youtube]

Okay, maybe not that bad, but close enough.

A bird: I caught the bird in my basement and set it free… at the office. I mistakenly thought he’d like to come to work with me. The bird actually just kinda found a corner and chilled. I was hoping for a Hitchcockian-type of attack, but it was still fun.

But what was the all-time winner?

Bees: Just nine or ten of them is all it takes. You would sware a swarm of little kamikaze pilots were laying waste to the office. The screams, good lord you’d think the place was on fire.

(And you wonder why I don’t work there anymore.)

I really did find an actual snake. Locating a fish is easy enough. Heck, ten-cent goldfish will suffice. How do you get ten bees? With a DustBuster. It works.

Need a couple little tricks that don’t involve live animals? Try these…

Paint every single Altoid mint in a tin with Wite-Out. Then leave the tin in your office’s cafeteria. You’ll hear mutterings about those “weird-tasting Altoids”. Curiously horrible, I would say.

This may also cross the line. However, what’s the point of having a line if I’m not there to jump all over it? Post in large writing on the bulletin boards a list of who has used the most sick days so far with something like a “Top 5 Office Leaders“. Just to add to the fun, post their annual salaries next to their names. Their real salaries? No. Fake ones. Ones that start some problems. Put $35,000 and a $67,000 next to a couple of names of people that do the exact same job. The reaction to the bees is nothing compared to this.

Need more tips? Keep checking back for more interesting lists. You guys can also e-mail me if you need any more tips: joe@canon-fodder.com.

Hope you all had a good Easter. Hopefully none of you asked any of your in-laws that a newly deceased family member could maybe rise from a cave and return to us three days later – you know, like Jesus did – after you drank a gallon of wine. I’m told that would make people upset with you. At least that’s what I would assume my wife would say if she were talking to me.

In the meantime, keep checking back for regular contributions from Craig and Jeffrey, along with an occasional guest writer. As soon as you’re finished unleashing Mother Nature on your office, be sure to pass Canon Fodder around so you can potentially dodge some of the blame when management comes looking for the culprit.

See you next week.

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